Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Battle Rages On

Heartbreak. It's never easy. No matter how much you try to listen to the "it's for the best"s and "he doesn't deserve you"s, it still hurts for a while. It's the age old battle of head versus heart. Your head knows that you deserve better. Your head knows that it was inevitable that he was going to hurt you again. Your head knew it was only a matter of time before he walked away from his family again. But your heart, your cruel, hopeful and wishful heart, silences your better judgement. Makes you think you're just worrying for nothing. Makes you see all of the good and none of the bad. Makes you think that somehow, he's changed and this time was really going to be different. And no matter how many times your heart has been broken in the past, it doesn't soften the blow that comes when it ends again. It hits you like a Mack truck. Blindsides you, leaving your head spinning and trying to figure out what went wrong. It never gets any easier, no matter how many times you go through it. You start to wonder what's wrong with you. You doubt yourself and your self-worth so horribly that you feel reduced to a sheer sliver of the person you thought you once were. You cry. You scream. You get angry, rinse and repeat.

Until one day, you wake up and the hurt doesn't hurt so bad anymore. There's no more searing sharp pains throughout your body making you wish you hadn't woken up at all because the pain is just too much to bear. You start to remember why you're worth more than they gave you credit for and stop remembering and missing the times and the things of the past. You can actually smile and mean it again. You no longer walk with your head down and teardrops falling on your shoes. You no longer look at his Facebook, Twitter, or whatever site you so stupidly stalked him on to see if maybe he was regretting it and was hurting as much as you. You stop waiting for the text, the phone call, the IM, the e-mail that says "I'm miserable without you, I'm sorry, please give me another chance." You stop looking for his car when you're driving down the road. Eventually you start to remember that there is life out there still, and that there are many other people who would be honored and blessed to have you by their side. The scars are still on your heart, but the wounds are no longer fresh. You'll never forget what caused them, but they're there to remind you that you shouldn't make the same mistakes again. Your pain was real, but the pieces of your heart slowly start to come back together. Your friends, your family, your children are all there to help you put the pieces back together and are the glue that holds them in place when it just wants to fall apart on it's own. You may lock your precious heart way down deep inside of you again for a while, but it's too wonderful of a treasure to keep to yourself for too long. Someday, someone will come along who is worthy of it and would never dream of mistreating it the way it had been before. They will hold your heart inside theirs and protect it as if breaking it would mean breaking their own. No matter how scarred, battered or tattered it may be, it's still worth something to someone no matter how carelessly others have treated it in the past and thrown it away.

It takes time to get to that point. It's not easy. I am trying to remind myself that it will get easier, but right now, I'm struggling to believe my own words and take my own advice. My heart is shattered. My life is no longer what I thought it once was, and I'm trying hard to learn to adjust to it. I need time to heal, time to breathe. Time to figure it all out for myself, but no matter how lonely I get sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I have the unconditional love of three beautiful children and that will never change. To them, I am the world. And if someone should someday come along and want to share it with us... then lucky them, but my family is precious and it's going to take a very special person for me to be willing to share them with someone else again.

Love hurts sometimes, but anything worth having is never gained easily. While I may be taking a time out so my heart can heal, I'm still in this fight. I've never been known to give up easily, and this time is not going to be any different.

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