Is anyone still out here? It's been a while...

I know I haven't blogged in forever. I've been trying to grasp what the reason is behind that, and the only thing I can come up with is that I seem to write my best blogs when there is some kind of drama or issue in my life. I get utterly stressed out, and turn to writing to figure it all out in my head. Half of it never makes it to the posting stage, but I at least feel better after getting it all out of my system and onto my computer. That being said, I haven't really had anything that stressful going on lately that I've felt the immediate urge to sit down at my laptop and blog about it. THIS IS A GOOD THING. I'm not complaining at all, I have just come to this realization. Not gonna lie, it's kind of awesome.

And, what's even better? I think I know the reason WHY I'm not nearly as stressed in my life as I have been in the past. It's not a some-thing, but a some-one. I was the biggest freaker outer known to man about everything. I didn't know how to deal with the stress of my life from time to time and I would just lose it occasionally. In the past, the people I was in a relationship with really didn't know how to make me feel any better or make the situation any easier. I was always the one who was left to figure everything out on my own. It was not easy by any means, but I got good at making things work one way or another. But after 15 years of having to figure it all out on my own, I was getting tired of bearing all of the burden myself. What's crazy is that I didn't realize how tired I was getting until I met someone who took some of the burden off of me. Honestly, I had no idea just how much I was dealing with on a daily basis until he came along and said, let me help you a little bit and do this while you're dealing with that. Whoa. Like seriously, I had no idea that men like him still existed. I had heard that there were a few of them still in existence, but I was sure that all of them were either married already or gay. Not to mention he was the LAST guy on earth I ever expected to be like this. But I am SO glad that I was wrong about him and decided to give it a shot with him.

We've been together for only about four months, but in those four months, he has been nothing short of amazing to me. What a wake up call he has been for me. My life has been totally great for the past few months, and I think a lot of my happiness is a direct result of him. No, it's not that I need a man in my life to be happy, but with a man like him  in my life, it's a lot happier. It's nice to not have to figure it all out on my own anymore. When stuff comes up in life, like it always does, we put our heads together and work it out. Together. Like it SHOULD be, but wasn't for me for so long. I am more self-confident because of him. I love myself much more now than I ever have, which in turn allows me to love others more deeply. I'm excited for my future for once. There was a time I didn't even really think about the future, I just lived life day to day waiting for the next disaster to strike. Let me tell you, that's no way to live. I'm excited for Christmas this year. For Thanksgiving. For next Sunday. For no reason at all, other than I get to spend more time with this man. 

I know what you're thinking. You think that it's still "new" and once that wears off, I'll be right back to my old cynical self. I hope that doesn't happen. I don't really think it will. When you are with someone who compliments you as a whole, there's always a new adventure to be had. All I know is that I'm happy I don't have to take on these adventures alone anymore.

So, I'm sorry I've been slacking at blogging lately, it's just that I haven't had much to bitch about. I guess I'm going to have to start taking a new approach to this blog and figure something else out to write about. Family stuff, recipes, I don't know. But when I get it straight in my head, you'll be the first to know.

XoXo
Jennifer

Whippersnappers...

Up until this point in my life, I thought I had a pretty good idea of where I was headed. Ok, that is sort of a lie, but in all honesty, the older I get, the less of an idea I have and that's some scary shit right there. Maybe they need to up my meds or something, I don't know, but as time goes on, I get more and more afraid that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and not know where the past 10 years of my life went. Shouldn't I be getting a BETTER idea of what I'm doing the older I get? I seriously have no freaking clue. Like, I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and noticed how much OLDER I look now. I have wrinkles! I have gray hairs. I wear a lot of pajamas. In public sometimes. My hair is a disaster. I wear makeup everyday but it doesn't help the situation. I can't zip my pants. I don't sleep right anymore. I'm FREAKING OUT, MAN! It's like the shock of turning thirty hit me two years later. 

My oldest son is embarrassed at my singing "Brokenhearted" by Karmin. I guess I'm not supposed to know those types of songs. I remember my own mother bursting out into song in the car and feeling embarrassed over her too. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I get it now. Kids suck. They think they know it all because they're younger and more hip. I'm a cool Mom, damn it! So what if I wear Mom Jeans sometimes. Have to tried those things on??? They are super comfortable and hide the flab that those ungrateful brats created. GOD forbid I wear a bathing suit in public. These kids not only stole my body from me for over 9 months EACH, now they have the audacity to steal my youth from me too. I'll be damned. I'm gonna be singing "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark until the day I die and bustin' a move in the car as I do. Kids be damned. I'm gonna embarrass the living crap out of them for the rest of their lives because I am ENTITLED to do so for all I do for them. One day, they will look back on how much fun I was and appreciate me for who I am: A fun loving, caring, hugging, kissy Mom who will raise these brats to be respectful loving adults if it kills me, which it probably will sooner than later. 

My kids will NOT wear saggy pants and leave the label on their hats. They WILL sing Bel Biv Devoe's "Poison" with me and dance in the seats of the car.  My kids won't spend ALL of their time on the Internet. No way. They WILL pick up a book or at least a freakin' Kindle once in a while and read something other than the snide comments their idiot friends will be leaving on their Facebook posts. My kids will not be spoiled brats who will just have everything handed to them. I will teach them the value of working for something you want and earning it. That in itself has proved to be an ongoing and tough battle but I'm never gonna give up on that one. All in all, I have a long and treacherous road ahead of me. Good thing I've got my hiking shoes on. And maybe, just maybe, I'll figure out where I'm going as I try to point them in the right direction, too.

I love you, Aidan, Ava and Alivia. <3
You may be brats at times, but you're MY brats and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Love,

Mom

The Rules of the Game

     Billions of people use Facebook and Twitter every day. I love them both, as I am by nature, a nosy person and love to see what everyone else is up to that I know. It's a blessing and a curse, as I probably spend more time than I should on these sites every day. It's my favorite hobby. Not only has Facebook kept me in touch with friends and family, but the things people share with me via these internet outlets have kept me laughing and given me support and love every day of my life. However, there are those people who just don't seem to understand that there are rules and manners that should be followed online and that you have to have thick skin sometimes when it comes to online communication. The following is just my observation and what I feel everyone should practice when it comes to social media.

1. Don't fight online. It may seem simple enough, but it's really easy to go off the deep end on someone about something online that you may not want to deal with later on in person. Learn to keep your hands off the keyboard. It's one thing to state your opinion and debate on a topic of interest, but keep your emotions out of it. Don't name call and don't instigate. Be respectful or be quiet. 
2. It's perfectly fine to update your status as often as you see fit, but overkill may cause you to have your friends unfriend you or hide you from their news feed. I like to update my status often, and some apps I use update my page frequently, but that's more for my own use than to keep the rest of the world in the know. However, there is a difference in ranting all day long over and over again about the same thing than sharing events as they happen throughout the day. Expect your friend who just had a baby to clog your news feed with thousands of pictures of their new bundle of joy. It's a parent's right and they can't help themselves. Expect your friend who's on an awesome vacation to post a ton of pictures of a great place you wish you could be. They want you to be jealous, and you probably will be. Be jealous, but be happy for them and comment all over that crap. Live vicariously through their photos. That's what I do, anyway. If someone is annoying you, learn how to unsubscribe from their updates. You can always go back to their page as you like to check in on them. Kind of like the old MySpace days (dare I say it). 
3. People like me who play games on Facebook will probably send you game requests. I have a ton on my page everyday, but for those games I don't play, it's really easy to hide or block that particular game. Don't complain about people sending you game requests. Just block the app and move on. 
4. Use the option to put different people in different groups and take the time to share your pictures and statuses with only the appropriate groups. You may not want to share your weekend party pics with your boss, so take advantage of the features available to you. Don't make an ass out of yourself unnecessarily. If you have to think about whether or not you should be posting it online for others to see, you may not want to post it at all. 
5. Stop complaining about the changes the site is making. Adapt, grow, learn. It won't kill you, I promise. More times than not, the changes are for the better. Some people are so resistant to change that they FREAK OUT when the slightest thing changes. Routine makes for a dull brain. Learn the new way and eventually you will see that it's better. Don't be so stubborn. Expand your brain a little. 
6. Remember, it's everyone's own personal account. They can post what they want, but it's your decision to react to it or not to. When in doubt, don't react. 

I think social media is great. It is a great way for people to keep in touch, and a great way for businesses to get their name out there. You may choose to leave social media for a while, but in truth, I think it's the user who's going to miss out. Life on the internets will go on without you, but you risk missing out on a lot by deleting your account because you got butthurt over what some idiot said online. It's not going anywhere, and it's only going to evolve over time. Get on board and enjoy the ride, just learn how to use it for your individual benefit, and we'll all get along just fine. 

How to Not Suck at Dating (Like Me)

Here's my awesome Dating 101 advice that I gave to a friend of mine today.

Warning: I suck at relationships and dating. I can lecture about them (as per below) all day long but basically, the following is how to do things exactly the opposite of the disaster of a dating life I created for myself in past years. ENJOY!

1. You have to know what you want in life. If you don't know what you want, you cannot expect another person to fill in that blank for you.

2. Be happy with yourself. Another person cannot make you happy with yourself if you are not confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Don't let another person define who you are, and don't let anyone else tell you that what you have to offer someone isn't good enough. You are who you are, and you're worthy of someone's love just as you are. You should never have to change who you are in order to try to make someone else love you. There are plenty of people in the world who will love you just as you are. Don't put up with someone who treats you as anything but fantastic.

3. Don't compromise what you want in another person, but also don't be so narrow minded that you eliminate half of the dating pool based on stupid standards like hair-length, eye color, weight, etc. There's a reason they tell you not to judge a book by it's cover and physical appearance will change over time. Look within where the real beauty of a person lies. That's what's going to shine through and last long after the looks fade.

4. Take careful risks. Instead of keeping the brick wall around your heart, tear that down and put up a chain-link fence. That way, it is still somewhat guarded and secure, but people can still see inside to the real you and get to know you. If they don't like what they see, they won't climb the fence, and you're still safe. But, if they DO climb the fence, you know it's not based on what they think is on the other side instead of what's really there. They've seen it, they know what they're getting into, and they are choosing to come into your life for the real you. Sometimes, you may even be brave enough to open the gate for a select few.

5. Don't settle for the first thing that comes along, unless of course the first thing that comes along is absolutely everything you've ever wanted and more, FOR REAL, and not just what you THINK you want. Date lots of people and see what's out there. You don't know what you've been missing while you've been off the market. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised. Not everyone you date is going to be right for you, and don't try to make them fit if they don't.

6. HAVE FUN. Don't be nervous on dates, there's nothing about you to be ashamed about. Get out there, BE YOU, and screw 'em if they don't like you, as if that's ever going to happen. Even if you don't find "the one" on these dates, I bet you'll hear interesting stories, laugh a lot, eat good food, drink a few drinks, and have an overall good time. Who knows, you may even find someone to love, or even another friend or two along the way. That's what life is about. It's not meant to be isolated and kept locked away within you. Life is what happens to you while you're living it. It's meant to be shared. Share it.

It's not as hard as it sounds, and the only person who can let something become "too complicated" or too hard, is you.

My Fetus In Fetu is Coming Out

So Mr. Fancy Pants Cancer Doctor says he thinks it's just a lipoma but it needs to come out. Therefor, I'm having surgery next week to take it out. I'm kind of pissed because I'll be knocked out and won't get to see it. I'm sick like that, but hey, whatever. At least it will be out of me and my temptation to gouge it out myself will be gone.

In other news, I'm moving next week, the day after my surgery, into a really cute house. It's going to be so much nicer for me and my kids. It's on a cul-de-sac so hopefully I can let my kids play outside without fear of them getting shanked or being sold cocaine. My neighbors now suck and I can't wait to get away from them. 8 days. I gotta get my ass in gear packing the rest of the house.

I just finished my last final for the semester last night, and because of that, I will be reading a book I actually want to read instead of my school books. I've decided on Fifty Shades of Grey just to see what all the fuss is about. I'll keep you posted.

My Little Friend

For about the past year, I've had a strange, small lump in the inside of my right elbow. I kind of just thought it was a little cyst or a big pimple, but then it started to grow. Not crazy like I now look like I have a child growing out of my arm, but enough to where it started to bother me and interfere with the function of my right arm a little. I went to three different doctors and no one knew what it was. Finally, an orthopedist sent me for an MRI and guess what? Still no answers. Why, after the hundreds of dollars that I've spent on doctor's appointments, don't these assholes just cut it out? Like seriously. Today I have an appointment to see an ONCOLOGIST. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. A CANCER doctor. WTF. If it's nothing to worry about then why are they sending me to the cancer center at the good hospital 30 miles away instead of just slicing me open and sending it off to a lap. Stupid, if you ask me. And now I have to go for a "consultation" today, which basically means I'm going to spend another stupid co-pay for the doctor to tell me not to worry and that he doesn't know what it is, but he's going to figure it out. MMM HMM. SURE! Heard this one before. I swear, the first scalpel I come across, I'm gonna cut this bad boy out myself. Enough shenannigans and milking my insurance company and my savings account. Take the stupid thing OUT. I bet the removal would be YouTube worthy. If you are weak of stomach, please do not go on YouTube and watch videos of  sebaceous cysts. If you are a popper like me, it's like the most awesome thing ever that you want to look away from but can't. Anyhoo, I'm tired of this little bugger in my arm and I want it gone. I'm going to tell Mr. Fancy Pants Cancer Doctor that if he doesn't take it out, I'm going to take it out myself and see what he says. Ha! Stay tuned, folks. Shit just got real.

Make Love, Not War

Lately, I've been witness to a number of my friends' relationships falling apart. Marriages ending, couples breaking up after years together, and then my own recent upset. It seems like everywhere I turn someone else is falling out of love. It makes me wonder what happened to the days when people were more prone to work at getting back to the core of what made them fall in love in the first place and rediscover each other again instead of just calling it quits at the first sign of trouble. Love is not easy. It's hard. It's a whole lot of work, but nothing worth it ever comes without some struggle, otherwise you wouldn't appreciate the good of it as much. At least that's how I see it. When it comes down to it, if two people truly love each other and both of them want to make it work, then it will. It's as simple as that. Life is hard. Your partner should be your best battle buddy to fight through the hard times with, not an additional source of strife. Everyone makes mistakes, but it takes a lot more courage to forgive and move forward than it does to just play the blame game and take off. You learn from your mistakes and you move on. Let the past go. You can't change what happened, but you can take away some knowledge from the experience and make the future better for you both. I've made my lion's share of mistakes and gave up on relationships, too but I really didn't understand a lot of the things about love and life that I do now.

My Grandparents were married for over 60 years. My Grandmother dropped out of 10th grade to marry my Grandfather in the early 40's and I'm sure they dealt with many hard times, especially since they had 4 children as well. They  were in their 80's and still in love. I'm sure they pissed each other off from time to time, but at the end of the day, when it came down to it, they literally couldn't live without each other. My Grandmother died in June of 2002. My Grandfather was heartbroken and even though he had beat cancer numerous times, he deteriorated quickly without my Grandmother and passed away just one year later in July of 2003. I want to know where that kind of love is today. Does it still exist? I'd like to believe it does and that one day, that will happen for me, too.

The Battle Rages On

Heartbreak. It's never easy. No matter how much you try to listen to the "it's for the best"s and "he doesn't deserve you"s, it still hurts for a while. It's the age old battle of head versus heart. Your head knows that you deserve better. Your head knows that it was inevitable that he was going to hurt you again. Your head knew it was only a matter of time before he walked away from his family again. But your heart, your cruel, hopeful and wishful heart, silences your better judgement. Makes you think you're just worrying for nothing. Makes you see all of the good and none of the bad. Makes you think that somehow, he's changed and this time was really going to be different. And no matter how many times your heart has been broken in the past, it doesn't soften the blow that comes when it ends again. It hits you like a Mack truck. Blindsides you, leaving your head spinning and trying to figure out what went wrong. It never gets any easier, no matter how many times you go through it. You start to wonder what's wrong with you. You doubt yourself and your self-worth so horribly that you feel reduced to a sheer sliver of the person you thought you once were. You cry. You scream. You get angry, rinse and repeat.

Until one day, you wake up and the hurt doesn't hurt so bad anymore. There's no more searing sharp pains throughout your body making you wish you hadn't woken up at all because the pain is just too much to bear. You start to remember why you're worth more than they gave you credit for and stop remembering and missing the times and the things of the past. You can actually smile and mean it again. You no longer walk with your head down and teardrops falling on your shoes. You no longer look at his Facebook, Twitter, or whatever site you so stupidly stalked him on to see if maybe he was regretting it and was hurting as much as you. You stop waiting for the text, the phone call, the IM, the e-mail that says "I'm miserable without you, I'm sorry, please give me another chance." You stop looking for his car when you're driving down the road. Eventually you start to remember that there is life out there still, and that there are many other people who would be honored and blessed to have you by their side. The scars are still on your heart, but the wounds are no longer fresh. You'll never forget what caused them, but they're there to remind you that you shouldn't make the same mistakes again. Your pain was real, but the pieces of your heart slowly start to come back together. Your friends, your family, your children are all there to help you put the pieces back together and are the glue that holds them in place when it just wants to fall apart on it's own. You may lock your precious heart way down deep inside of you again for a while, but it's too wonderful of a treasure to keep to yourself for too long. Someday, someone will come along who is worthy of it and would never dream of mistreating it the way it had been before. They will hold your heart inside theirs and protect it as if breaking it would mean breaking their own. No matter how scarred, battered or tattered it may be, it's still worth something to someone no matter how carelessly others have treated it in the past and thrown it away.

It takes time to get to that point. It's not easy. I am trying to remind myself that it will get easier, but right now, I'm struggling to believe my own words and take my own advice. My heart is shattered. My life is no longer what I thought it once was, and I'm trying hard to learn to adjust to it. I need time to heal, time to breathe. Time to figure it all out for myself, but no matter how lonely I get sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I have the unconditional love of three beautiful children and that will never change. To them, I am the world. And if someone should someday come along and want to share it with us... then lucky them, but my family is precious and it's going to take a very special person for me to be willing to share them with someone else again.

Love hurts sometimes, but anything worth having is never gained easily. While I may be taking a time out so my heart can heal, I'm still in this fight. I've never been known to give up easily, and this time is not going to be any different.

Gone

I wrote a new song. Trying to put some music to it.
These are the lyrics to it. Tell me what you think.

Gone - Jennifer Knapp

No more games
I'm done with this fight
Coming out of the shadows 
and into the light


Can't face the fear
That I'm not what you wanted
I'll just say goodbye
So I'm no longer taunted

CHORUS
Wake me from this nightmare
All I want is something to feel 
I'm drowning inside your heart
And this pain is so real


I just can't accept it
Don't wanna regret it
Flying through darkness
Is this my own sentence?


Who are you to deny me?
You don't even know who I am
So just walk by me
I won't let you break me again


CHORUS
Wake me from this nightmare
All I want is something to feel
I'm drowning inside your heart
And this pain is so real


So real. So real. 
When is it my time to heal?
So long, so long.
No more tears, my darling I'm 
Gone.

___________________________________
These lyrics are property of Jennifer Knapp. Any unauthorized reproduction or copying of them is strictly prohibited.
Contact me for further information.

My (Football) Life is OVER...

The announcement was made today that my beloved Tim Tebow, quarterback of the Denver Broncos, and youngest ever person to win the Heisman Trophy in 2007, was traded to the New York Jets. This news may as well have been the same as driving a knife into my heart. I have been a Tebow fan since his days as a Florida Gator, but there is no way I could ever be a Jets fan. I just can't do it. And as much as I want to let my love for him overcome my hate of the Jets, it just isn't meant to be. Not only does this suck, but it also adds an additional level of disdain for my dislike of Peyton Manning for taking his starting quarterback spot in Denver, a city I have been longing to move to for a while now. I think I may as well just forgo football altogether next year, even though I could still just root for my home team, The Cleveland Browns. Another hopeless cause if you ask me. I love my Browns to death, but they never do very well. I hope they prove me wrong, but I've just about lost all hope in the NFL for now. Good Luck, Tebow. You're gonna need it. That horrid city is going to eat you alive.

I Want To Join The Mile High Club...

I realize my blog is way overdue for an update. I've been really busy lately with kids and traveling and school. It's madness and I love it, most of the time. I figured now is as good of a time as any to throw it out there what's been up lately, so enjoy!

My littlest diva has been struggling with repeated ear infections since she was born. Finally, we got her into the ENT at Nemours Children's Hospital in Jacksonville. I was concerned about her hearing because she sometimes does not respond to me when I talk to her or call to her. I wondered if she could really hear me and was just ignoring me or if the fact that her eardrum has burst twice has lead to some kind of permanent hearing damage. They ran a series of hearing tests on her, including one where we were put into a sound proof room and then she was supposed to respond to the noises by looking in the direction from which they came. The technician started out at a normal hearing level and then worked her way down all the way to a quiet whisper. My daughter EXCELLED at that test, meaning she was just being a brat and choosing to ignore me. Thank God for that, but next time she chooses to ignore me I'll know she is fully capable of hearing what I'm saying. But anyhoo, she saw the doctor and he agreed that she needs to have irrigation tubes placed in each ear for about a year. It's a very minor procedure and she will be able to return to daycare the next day. I'm nervous about my 16 month old having surgery, but I'm sure she will be fine.

My older diva is doing well in Pre-K. She gets smarter by the day. My friend and I laugh because she is not very humble at all. It's the Italian Princess in her, I swear. If you tell her she is beautiful or that she looks pretty today, she doesn't shy away or just say thank you. No, not my diva. She says, "I know". I mean, really?! She's FOUR. She wants to wear "heel shoes" and dresses every day, but comes home from preschool looking like a ragamuffin that's been rolling in dirt all day. I have to make her wear pants under her dresses because she has no idea how to act like a lady even if she insists on looking like and dressing like royalty every day.

My son, the oldest of my three, is in third grade and about to make his first communion. He has his outfit ready and everything, but I can't bring myself to try it on him because I will most likely cry. He's almost as tall as my shoulders now. He's a computer geek and spends most of his free time on his laptop playing Roblox or Minecraft. I had him do real chores for the first time the other day and had him vacuum and take out the trash. He vacuumed for maybe ten minutes and broke the brush on the thing. So much for that! He's the best big brother ever though and helps me take care of the girls all the time. He ties his sisters' shoes for them or gets them a drink or plays with them when they want him to. Sometimes he will even read them a book. I can't wait to see how close they will be when they are all older.

I've been really busy with school, and I'm struggling to keep up. I'm almost done with my A.S. degree in Health Information Technology and should be totally finished by October. It's getting harder as the semesters pass, but I'm managing to maintain my 4.0 GPA. It's no easy feat. I'm in Medical Coding and Billing right now and it's harder than I expected but I'll push through this class just like I have all others. I also recently visited a friend in Colorado and absolutely and completely fell in love with Denver and the mountains while I was there. I want to live out there so bad. I'm going to eventually get there sooner than later if possible. I cried on my way to the airport to go home I loved it there so much.Yes, I did interview for a new job while I was out there, and that spread like wildfire throughout my current company and I was cornered by my boss about it when I got back. Talk about awkward. Sometimes social media can really bite you in the ass. Anyway, I won't know anything about that for a week or so, but I'm hoping the outcome of it is positive. Until then, I'm just trying not to get my hopes up, but any kind of rejection sucks and I know I'll be really disappointed if they didn't just love me.