Friday, May 27, 2011

Broken Leash

While wasting my Friday night surfing Facebook, I came across a picture that depicts me to a "T" and it got me thinking and asking myself this very question... WHY do I constantly throw my heart into everything I do knowing full well that I'm probably just going to get hurt again? My brain SCREAMS it at me and my heart is as deaf as can be. My brain had my heart on a leash and I fight it and struggle to reason with it until my brain concedes and SNAP! goes the leash and I am off running full force, head on into another disaster. Why do I do that? Why do I fight logic and reason constantly for the opportunity of love? I know better. I've always known better. I am a smart woman. Why do I constantly let myself get into these awful relationships? I haven't figured out the answer, but my leash is getting stronger. If only I could learn to sit still and put more thought and less heart into things instead of always being all heart. Is that any better of a way to live? I don't know... but I'm about to find out.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Open The Door

Life can be hard. There are times, many times, when I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Sometimes I fantasize about packing up my car, filling up the tank, and moving to wherever the car runs out of gas just to get a fresh start. However, my life is here, my children's life is here, and our support systems are here. Just because I have to share this town with my past, doesn't mean my future can't be here too. It's about learning to look forward, learning to close the door on things that need to be left behind, and heading through that open door in front of you with open arms, an open mind, and a faithful heart that God has opened it for you for a reason. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for my children and I, but I know that no matter how hard things may get, God has a purpose for us and we will be okay so long as we trust in Him and pray for His guidance.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Little Hands, Big Hearts

It is well known that I love being a Mom. It is the best and most proud accomplishment of my life. A lot of the time, being a Mom is a thankless job, but then there are those little moments where you realize exactly why you go through all you do as a Mother.

For example, this weekend was my daughter Ava's 4th birthday party. I set her cake in front of her and kneeled down to her side at the table, lit her candles, and we all sang Happy Birthday to her as loud as we could. She blew out her candles and then got up, and threw her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and kiss of her life. It melted my heart.

My son Aidan and I have always been very close. He's a very emotional young man. He cries when the space shuttle launches out of happiness. That's just the kind of kid he is. Now, he's almost 8 years old and it isn't "cool" to hug or kiss your Mom in front of your friends at school. Instead, each day as I'm walking him to extended day, he holds my hand and we squeeze each other's hand back and forth repeatedly until he gets to just outside the door. Then he kisses me on the cheek and runs inside to play with his friends and yells, "Bye, Mom!" to me as he's on his way in. I don't think he will ever know how much those little hand squeezes mean to me every day. It's like our own little secret hand hugs. I plan on doing that to him even as I'm walking with him at his college graduation.

My sweet baby Alivia's face lights up the instant she sees me looking down on her in her crib each morning. She smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen, and when I pick her up, she grabs my face with both hands and gives me huge, slobbery wet open-mouthed kisses all over my face. I love the way she just looks at me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to her. The love we share for each other is quite obvious when we look at one another. She's the best cuddle bug of them all. I live for her smile and I love those disgustingly wet, slobbery kisses.

It's the little stolen moments with them like this that mean so much. I miss them terribly while I'm at work every day and I can't wait until 5:00 when I get to pick them up and love on them again, even if they start driving me crazy five minutes later. That's their job. And it's mine to love them, and Oh, how I do.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Here Goes Nothing!

     In my last relationship, I tried doing "The Love Dare", a Christian-based book designed to strengthen couples' relationships with each other and bring them closer to God as a couple in the process. Well, that failed miserable after only a few days. I even went on to do it alone, and still, that relationship failed horribly along with it. We had been going to counseling with a great man named David, but even after a few sessions with him, the dedication wasn't there on his part and after a horrible argument, the relationship was over. I continue seeing David on my own, and have come to realize that I am what is called co-dependent. I'm taking a lot of steps on my own now to break that vicious cycle. 

I've made a vow to myself to remain single for at least a year, and I fully plan on sticking to that. While in my heart, I know the relationship didn't fail due to anything I did wrong, I know that many things that I did were the wrong thing to do for myself and for my children. It's a hard fact to face that I was so overly obsessed with trying to fix his problems that I had nearly no time at all for myself or more importantly, for my children. It's hard to accept that no matter how much you love someone, it is not your job to fix their mistakes, especially when they have no intention of fixing anything themselves, mainly because they fail to see that anything they are or aren't doing is wrong. For me, it felt like I loved him so deeply that I would do anything to help him, not realizing that no matter how much I truly did love him, my love and my help would never give me the love or the relationship I deserved in return. It's a total one-way street to disaster, and only now do I realize that it's not love at all if you are the one putting forth all of the effort. Love is something that takes a lot of effort on both parts. Someone who loves you wouldn't lie to you. They wouldn't hurt you or your children, either outwardly or passive aggressively. Someone who loves you wouldn't do selfish things or say hurtful things to you or your children, ever. Love doesn't exist when they tear you down by blaming you for their faults and truly make you believe they are they way they are because of something you did or didn't do. That's not love. That is abuse. And it took me far too long to realize the kind of abuse my children and I suffered for almost two years. I felt so lost and torn between a hundred different emotions when that relationship ended. But nearly a month out of it, I'm finally beginning to rebuild myself and my family back up. The sadness is gone, and I no longer feel as if I just didn't try hard enough. The fact of the matter is, I tried too hard. Much harder than I should have had to. I know now that I deserve so much better, and so do my children.

One day, FAR down the road, maybe we will find someone who will love us unconditionally and would never dream of treating us the way he did. Maybe I won't find someone, and maybe I'll actually like being on my own. I'm starting to like it more and more every day. While some things are more difficult without an extra person around to help, the relief that I feel of not having to do so many other things far outweighs the financial and physical demands that have been placed on me now. I'm learning a lot about myself for once. I've always been so focused on these disastrous men in my life that I am just now realizing who I am for a change. I'm focusing on what I want instead of what they need. What do I need? What is going to help me better myself?

It's almost strange to look at myself in the mirror. I feel like I have forgotten who I am. I am slowly rediscovering myself, one day at a time. It's like I'm waking up from a bad dream or coming out of a fog. I'm seeing clearly now for the first time in a long time, and reality is scary, but a good scary. Like the feeling you get just before you come down the first hill of a roller coaster. You have no idea what's coming, but you know it's gonna be a good time. Well, I'm holding on tight. My roller coaster just pulled out of the station and I'm starting up that first hill. 

Here goes nothing...

Saturday, May 7, 2011

My Special Day

It's Mother's Day. It's my special day. Not because my kids gave me the cutest handmade cards ever, even the baby, not because I got flowers, or taken out to dinner. Today is my special day because I have the honor and the privilege to be the Mom of three amazing young people. Even on days when I'm ready to get into my car and drive off into the sunset because they are driving me crazy, I still love them so fiercely that I don't know what I would do without them. My kids truly are my life. They have shaped me into the person I am and continue to inspire me to become the person I want to be. I never knew unconditional love until I became a mother. I always had the idea in my head that a real family consisted of a Mother, Father and the children. It wasn't until recently that I came to realize that just because we don't have a Father around in our family, it doesn't make us any less of a family. In fact, our family is closer and stronger now than we have ever been. While we may not fit the normal cookie-cutter, picture perfect idea of what a family should be, I wouldn't change my family for anything in the world. We may each have different last names, but we share one home and share a great love for each other that no namesake can overrule. We are the Knapp, Still, Fitzgibbons and Carey family.... and we're going to make it in this world and then some. I don't just love being a Mom... I love being THEIR Mom.

Happy Mother's Day!