tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70908408183369441092024-03-13T17:30:48.253-04:00Jennifer, UninterruptedPlease don't interrupt me whilst I'm ignoring you. Kthxbai.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-75073786193062982572013-05-30T23:43:00.002-04:002013-05-31T15:38:44.609-04:00Every Day is a Gift<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Every Day is a Gift</i></span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For the past two weeks, I have been doing my student practicum (internship) for Health Information Technology at Gentiva Hospice. I thought I would just be learning about medical records, but what I really learned is far more valuable than any degree I will be earning when it's all over.<br /><br />I have always been the kind of person who gives everything I have to anyone who asks. I've lost thousands of dollars, my dignity, my heart, my trust in other people, my confidence in myself, and so much more over the years. In fact, the day I began this internship, the man I <i>thought </i>was the love of my life decided he didn't love me any more and walked out on me and my children like we never meant a thing to him. It felt like my heart had been stabbed a thousand times over. I had never felt so crushed. I was in shock. I absolutely couldn't believe the man that once wanted to marry me (one day, he said) and adopt my children as his own, was throwing in the towel and walking away from it all. All of the plans we had made for the future, for the kids' future, for our life together, were gone in the blink of an eye. I felt like a complete shell of a person that morning. Not only did he completely devastate me, but I worried even more so for my children who adored him. The other day, I finally broke down and told my six year old daughter that he wasn't coming back, and she cried...hard. She couldn't understand why this man who had doted on her so much was never coming home. It took me a few times of explaining to her that he wasn't just staying somewhere else for now, that he was staying somewhere else forever. She asked if we could go visit him and when I told her no, she cried again. When it first happened, I really hadn't had a chance to process it all because I was in so much shock. Denial I guess you could say. It wasn't until I was driving to my first day at my internship at the hospice that it hit me. I called my Mom and broke the news to her and then I completely broke down. I pulled my car off to the side of the road and just talked to her for a few minutes, sobbing into the phone. She helped me pull it together enough to make it through that first day of my internship. I had wanted to cancel the whole thing, give up on school, and to be honest, I was ready to give up on life in general. I didn't know what my life was any more. I had made him and our family my entire world and that world was gone in an instant. It may seem a little dramatic, but to me, it really felt like a death. To have everything you've ever wanted in life taken away from you just like that, with no warning, with no real reason, and in such a cruel and heartless manner, is more than hard. But I had to keep going. Somehow, I pulled myself together, and I kept going. I know now that there was a reason for it.<br /> <br />Over the next few days, I learned a lot about hospice care and what it all means. Many people are against hospice for one reason or another. Some people think you should fight death tooth and nail, even if it means being hooked up to countless machines, on more medications than any one person should ever have to be on, other people just don't want to accept the reality of a terminal disease. Denial. Then there are some people who think hospice is about speeding up death. Pump them full of morphine, slow their heart and their respiratory systems down slowly with drugs until they die. What I learned over these past two weeks was that hospice is not even close to what I thought it was. When a person is put on hospice, they have a terminal diagnosis. There's a life expectancy of six months or less. Some people last longer, some last only for days or even hours in some cases. You expect the patients on hospice to be elderly and just ready to go. I learned quickly that it is not always the case. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The first case that really got to me was the story of a young man who is 35 years old that had fallen from some height and suffered severe brain damage. He was a drug addict at one point in his life and had acquired HIV. He's currently in a nursing home on hospice care and his body is failing him by the day. He loved the outdoors and his family had requested someone push him outside in a wheelchair, however, he has to be suctioned ever few minutes or he will choke to death on his own fluids. In order to grant his families wish to take him outside, they would have to agree to not have him suctioned for the duration of the outing, whether it's five minutes or fifteen and to allow him to die if that should happen. It took a long time for his mother to finally sign a do not resuscitate order on him, surely she wasn't going to agree to let him die just to fulfill his wish to go outdoors. The decision is still pending, and every day this man sits by the window just staring outside, longing to get out. He can no longer communicate. His death in in his mother's hands. Just as she brought him into this world, she is going to be the one to help him leave it. How she chooses that to happen for him I may never know. The day I heard about his case, I got into my car and bawled my eyes out. He is only a few years older than me, I thought. What if that was me? It could be. It could happen to any of us. I couldn't imagine the next two years of my life as being my last. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss. I thought I had lost so much over the past few days with the demise of my relationship, and here this man was, losing his life. How silly of me to feel sorry for myself. But I did, for a little while. It's just human nature. <br /><br />A few days later, I was able to go into the field on a volunteer patient visit. I met with an 88 year old man and his wife and daughter who were his caregivers. He was suffering from end stage dementia and was nothing but skin and bones. But the minute my manager and I walked into his room, he beamed from ear to ear and said "Where have you been?". He may not know where is he or who many people around him are, but he knew enough. He was the sweetest little old man. As he lay in his hospital bed in his bedroom, he gripped onto the bedrails tight. Every once in a while, he would reach over to hold my hand. He kept telling me how pretty I was, and asked me if I was comfortable. At one point, he even tried to give me some of his lotions as a gift. "Take whatever you want" he said. "I don't need it". He was a WWII veteran, and had worked in New York City as a traffic cop, or so I learned from his wife and daughter. As they left to attend his wife's doctor's appointment, he talked my ear off. It took me a minute to realize he still had a New York accent but once I did, I understood him much better. He trailed off occasionally and I couldn't make out what he was trying to say, but I'd play along like I did. He swore like a New Yorker too, which made me giggle. He talked about the war and about an Irishman who "never fucking listened to him". Then he got quiet for a minute. We sat holding hands, and then he pointed down the dark hall outside of his room and said "Daddy". I asked him if he saw his Dad in the hallway sometimes. His father is obviously long since passed away. He looked at me and shook his head and said, "Yeah. He wants me to go with him, but he's much faster than me. I don't think I could keep up". It was as if he had no dementia at all the way he spoke about it. I told him he could go with him when he's ready, that he didn't have to be in a hurry to go. And as if I had just taken a big burden off of his mind, he sighed a deep sigh of relief and closed his eyes for a minute. When he opened them back up and began talking again, he was back to talking about things that didn't make any sense. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought about him a lot throughout the rest of the day. I thought about his wife and how hard it must be on her and their daughter to watch him slip away like that day by day. I thought about how her heart must be breaking inside knowing that the man she spent most of her life with will leave her soon. I think about how tired she must be, mentally, physically and emotionally. She herself is recovering from melanoma surgery. I want to visit them again. I know just having a volunteer there is a big help. Part of me wonders if a little part of her might just be waiting for it to be over. The man she loved for so long isn't really there anymore. I'm sure she catches glances of the man he used to be from time to time, but for the most part, he's just not there. This family is the reason I decided that even after my internship is over, I'm going to volunteer to do respite care for Gentiva. It's hard to see people in their final days, but my heart just wants to help ease the stress of it for them and their families, even if it's just for an hour at a time.<br /><br />When my Grandparents were in hospice, I was younger, but I helped my Mom as much as I could, especially with my Grandfather. The hospice nurses and aides that came and took care of him were wonderful. Ever since then, I have been a huge hospice supporter, but it wasn't until I actually worked with Gentiva that I truly realized how special this field really is, and how much I am honored to be a part of it. I wonder if I'll truly be strong enough to do it, but I think my heart knows now that death and loss is a part of life. Lord knows I have experienced my fair share of loss, especially recently, but it doesn't have to be all bad. The hospice symbol is a butterfly because of the way it transitions from one form to another. When we die, we most certainly transition. We go somewhere else, in a different form. It doesn't have to be all ugly, gloomy and sad. Death and loss can be a blessing in disguise, and hospice is there to make that transition just a little bit easier.<br /><br />I'm going to be sad when my old man passes away, but I will be happy knowing he is back with his Dad, and that for just a little while, I was lucky enough to hold his hand and share in his journey as he transitioned from this life to whatever awaits him. If I have taken one thing away from this internship experience, it is that life is really short. The second to last day of my internship, I learned about a 20 year old in hospice care because of an inoperable brain tumor. That will really put things into perspective. I have learned so much about myself over these past two weeks. I've learned that I am a million times stronger than I give myself credit for. I've learned that even in things such as death and loss, there is a silver lining to be found. I've learned that you should love as much as you can, no matter what the cost, because in the end, love is all that really matters. You may someday regret the things you have done in your life, but the one thing you will always remember is the way other people loved you. I think Dr. Seuss once said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Every day is truly a gift. Make the best of each and every one. </span></div>
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FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-76069608538816382782012-11-21T00:21:00.000-05:002012-11-21T00:23:20.297-05:00Is anyone still out here? It's been a while...I know I haven't blogged in forever. I've been trying to grasp what the reason is behind that, and the only thing I can come up with is that I seem to write my best blogs when there is some kind of drama or issue in my life. I get utterly stressed out, and turn to writing to figure it all out in my head. Half of it never makes it to the posting stage, but I at least feel better after getting it all out of my system and onto my computer. That being said, I haven't really had anything that stressful going on lately that I've felt the immediate urge to sit down at my laptop and blog about it. THIS IS A GOOD THING. I'm not complaining at all, I have just come to this realization. Not gonna lie, it's kind of awesome.<br />
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And, what's even better? I think I know the reason WHY I'm not nearly as stressed in my life as I have been in the past. It's not a some-thing, but a some-one. I was the biggest freaker outer known to man about everything. I didn't know how to deal with the stress of my life from time to time and I would just lose it occasionally. In the past, the people I was in a relationship with really didn't know how to make me feel any better or make the situation any easier. I was always the one who was left to figure everything out on my own. It was not easy by any means, but I got good at making things work one way or another. But after 15 years of having to figure it all out on my own, I was getting tired of bearing all of the burden myself. What's crazy is that I didn't realize how tired I was getting until I met someone who took some of the burden off of me. Honestly, I had no idea just how much I was dealing with on a daily basis until he came along and said, let me help you a little bit and do this while you're dealing with that. Whoa. Like seriously, I had no idea that men like him still existed. I had heard that there were a few of them still in existence, but I was sure that all of them were either married already or gay. Not to mention he was the LAST guy on earth I ever expected to be like this. But I am SO glad that I was wrong about him and decided to give it a shot with him.<br />
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We've been together for only about four months, but in those four months, he has been nothing short of amazing to me. What a wake up call he has been for me. My life has been totally great for the past few months, and I think a lot of my happiness is a direct result of him. No, it's not that I <i>need</i> a man in my life to be happy, but with a man like <i>him </i> in my life, it's a lot happier. It's nice to not have to figure it all out on my own anymore. When stuff comes up in life, like it always does, we put our heads together and work it out. Together. Like it SHOULD be, but wasn't for me for so long. I am more self-confident because of him. I love myself much more now than I ever have, which in turn allows me to love others more deeply. I'm excited for my future for once. There was a time I didn't even really think about the future, I just lived life day to day waiting for the next disaster to strike. Let me tell you, that's no way to live. I'm excited for Christmas this year. For Thanksgiving. For next Sunday. For no reason at all, other than I get to spend more time with this man. </div>
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I know what you're thinking. You think that it's still "new" and once that wears off, I'll be right back to my old cynical self. I hope that doesn't happen. I don't really think it will. When you are with someone who compliments you as a whole, there's always a new adventure to be had. All I know is that I'm happy I don't have to take on these adventures alone anymore.<br />
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So, I'm sorry I've been slacking at blogging lately, it's just that I haven't had much to bitch about. I guess I'm going to have to start taking a new approach to this blog and figure something else out to write about. Family stuff, recipes, I don't know. But when I get it straight in my head, you'll be the first to know.<br />
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XoXo<br />
Jennifer</div>
FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-10891547510589205892012-07-16T01:20:00.001-04:002012-07-16T01:20:09.404-04:00Whippersnappers...Up until this point in my life, I thought I had a pretty good idea of where I was headed. Ok, that is sort of a lie, but in all honesty, the older I get, the less of an idea I have and that's some scary shit right there. Maybe they need to up my meds or something, I don't know, but as time goes on, I get more and more afraid that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and not know where the past 10 years of my life went. Shouldn't I be getting a BETTER idea of what I'm doing the older I get? I seriously have no freaking clue. Like, I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and noticed how much OLDER I look now. I have wrinkles! I have gray hairs. I wear a lot of pajamas. In public sometimes. My hair is a disaster. I wear makeup everyday but it doesn't help the situation. I can't zip my pants. I don't sleep right anymore. I'm FREAKING OUT, MAN! It's like the shock of turning thirty hit me two years later. <div>
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My oldest son is embarrassed at my singing "Brokenhearted" by Karmin. I guess I'm not supposed to know those types of songs. I remember my own mother bursting out into song in the car and feeling embarrassed over her too. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I get it now. Kids suck. They think they know it all because they're younger and more hip. I'm a cool Mom, damn it! So what if I wear Mom Jeans sometimes. Have to tried those things on??? They are super comfortable and hide the flab that those ungrateful brats created. GOD forbid I wear a bathing suit in public. These kids not only stole my body from me for over 9 months EACH, now they have the audacity to steal my youth from me too. I'll be damned. I'm gonna be singing "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark until the day I die and bustin' a move in the car as I do. Kids be damned. I'm gonna embarrass the living crap out of them for the rest of their lives because I am ENTITLED to do so for all I do for them. One day, they will look back on how much fun I was and appreciate me for who I am: A fun loving, caring, hugging, kissy Mom who will raise these brats to be respectful loving adults if it kills me, which it probably will sooner than later. </div>
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My kids will NOT wear saggy pants and leave the label on their hats. They WILL sing Bel Biv Devoe's "Poison" with me and dance in the seats of the car. My kids won't spend ALL of their time on the Internet. No way. They WILL pick up a book or at least a freakin' Kindle once in a while and read something other than the snide comments their idiot friends will be leaving on their Facebook posts. My kids will not be spoiled brats who will just have everything handed to them. I will teach them the value of working for something you want and earning it. That in itself has proved to be an ongoing and tough battle but I'm never gonna give up on that one. All in all, I have a long and treacherous road ahead of me. Good thing I've got my hiking shoes on. And maybe, just maybe, I'll figure out where I'm going as I try to point them in the right direction, too.<br /><br />I love you, Aidan, Ava and Alivia. <3<br />You may be brats at times, but you're MY brats and I wouldn't want it any other way.<br /><br />Love,<div>
Mom</div>
</div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-49891916204467873722012-06-17T19:27:00.000-04:002012-06-17T19:27:01.996-04:00The Rules of the Game<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://blogs.umflint.edu/universityrelations/files/2012/03/all_stages_marketing_social_media_icons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="http://blogs.umflint.edu/universityrelations/files/2012/03/all_stages_marketing_social_media_icons.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Billions of people use Facebook and Twitter every day. I love them both, as I am by nature, a nosy person and love to see what everyone else is up to that I know. It's a blessing and a curse, as I probably spend more time than I should on these sites every day. It's my favorite hobby. Not only has Facebook kept me in touch with friends and family, but the things people share with me via these internet outlets have kept me laughing and given me support and love every day of my life. However, there are those people who just don't seem to understand that there are rules and manners that should be followed online and that you have to have thick skin sometimes when it comes to online communication. The following is just my observation and what I feel everyone should practice when it comes to social media.<br /><br />
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<li>Don't fight online. It may seem simple enough, but it's really easy to go off the deep end on someone about something online that you may not want to deal with later on in person. Learn to keep your hands off the keyboard. It's one thing to state your opinion and debate on a topic of interest, but keep your emotions out of it. Don't name call and don't instigate. Be respectful or be quiet. </li>
<li>It's perfectly fine to update your status as often as you see fit, but overkill may cause you to have your friends unfriend you or hide you from their news feed. I like to update my status often, and some apps I use update my page frequently, but that's more for my own use than to keep the rest of the world in the know. However, there is a difference in ranting all day long over and over again about the same thing than sharing events as they happen throughout the day. Expect your friend who just had a baby to clog your news feed with thousands of pictures of their new bundle of joy. It's a parent's right and they can't help themselves. Expect your friend who's on an awesome vacation to post a ton of pictures of a great place you wish you could be. They want you to be jealous, and you probably will be. Be jealous, but be happy for them and comment all over that crap. Live vicariously through their photos. That's what I do, anyway. If someone is annoying you, learn how to unsubscribe from their updates. You can always go back to their page as you like to check in on them. Kind of like the old MySpace days (dare I say it). </li>
<li>People like me who play games on Facebook will probably send you game requests. I have a ton on my page everyday, but for those games I don't play, it's really easy to hide or block that particular game. Don't complain about people sending you game requests. Just block the app and move on. </li>
<li>Use the option to put different people in different groups and take the time to share your pictures and statuses with only the appropriate groups. You may not want to share your weekend party pics with your boss, so take advantage of the features available to you. Don't make an ass out of yourself unnecessarily. If you have to think about whether or not you should be posting it online for others to see, you may not want to post it at all. </li>
<li>Stop complaining about the changes the site is making. Adapt, grow, learn. It won't kill you, I promise. More times than not, the changes are for the better. Some people are so resistant to change that they FREAK OUT when the slightest thing changes. Routine makes for a dull brain. Learn the new way and eventually you will see that it's better. Don't be so stubborn. Expand your brain a little. </li>
<li>Remember, it's everyone's own personal account. They can post what they want, but it's your decision to react to it or not to. When in doubt, don't react. </li>
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I think social media is great. It is a great way for people to keep in touch, and a great way for businesses to get their name out there. You may choose to leave social media for a while, but in truth, I think it's the user who's going to miss out. Life on the internets will go on without you, but you risk missing out on a lot by deleting your account because you got butthurt over what some idiot said online. It's not going anywhere, and it's only going to evolve over time. Get on board and enjoy the ride, just learn how to use it for your individual benefit, and we'll all get along just fine. </div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-58629325865702648562012-05-22T12:43:00.002-04:002012-05-22T12:43:51.484-04:00How to Not Suck at Dating (Like Me)<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZJLZtgsyirI/T7vB72o63CI/AAAAAAAAARw/qVMQwrLQ2Wg/s1600/gosling-meme-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZJLZtgsyirI/T7vB72o63CI/AAAAAAAAARw/qVMQwrLQ2Wg/s320/gosling-meme-1.jpg" width="259" /></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 115%;">Here's my awesome Dating 101 advice that I gave to a friend of mine today.<br /><br />Warning: I suck at relationships and dating. I can lecture about them (as per below) all day long but basically, the following is how to do things exactly the opposite of the disaster of a dating life I created for myself in past years. ENJOY!<br /><br />1. You h</span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 115%;">ave to know what you want in life. If you don't know what you
want, you cannot expect another person to fill in that blank for you.<br />
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2. Be happy with yourself. Another person cannot make you happy with yourself
if you are not confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Don't let
another person define who you are, and don't let anyone else tell you that what
you have to offer someone isn't good enough. You are who you are, and you're
worthy of someone's love just as you are. You should never have to change who
you are in order to try to make someone else love you. There are plenty of
people in the world who will love you just as you are. Don't put up with
someone who treats you as anything but fantastic.<br />
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3. Don't compromise what you want in another person, but also don't be so
narrow minded that you eliminate half of the dating pool based on stupid
standards like hair-length, eye color, weight, etc. There's a reason they tell
you not to judge a book by it's cover and physical appearance will change over
time. Look within where the real beauty of a person lies. That's what's going
to shine through and last long after the looks fade.<br />
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4. Take careful risks. Instead of keeping the brick wall around your heart,
tear that down and put up a chain-link fence. That way, it is still somewhat
guarded and secure, but people can still see inside to the real you and get to
know you. If they don't like what they see, they won't climb the fence, and
you're still safe. But, if they DO climb the fence, you know it's not based on
what they think is on the other side instead of what's really there. They've
seen it, they know what they're getting into, and they are choosing to come
into your life for the real you. Sometimes, you may even be brave enough to
open the gate for a select few.<br />
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5. Don't settle for the first thing that comes along, unless of course the
first thing that comes along is absolutely everything you've ever wanted and
more, FOR REAL, and not just what you THINK you want. Date lots of people and
see what's out there. You don't know what you've been missing while you've been
off the market. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised. Not everyone you date is
going to be right for you, and don't try to make them fit if they don't.<br />
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6. HAVE FUN. Don't be nervous on dates, there's nothing about you to be ashamed
about. Get out there, BE YOU, and screw 'em if they don't like you, as if
that's ever going to happen. Even if you don't find "the one" on
these dates, I bet you'll hear interesting stories, laugh a lot, eat good food,
drink a few drinks, and have an overall good time. Who knows, you may even find
someone to love, or even another friend or two along the way. That's what life
is about. It's not meant to be isolated and kept locked away within you. Life
is what happens to you while you're living it. It's meant to be shared. Share
it.<br />
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It's not as hard as it sounds, and the only person who can let something become
"too complicated" or too hard, is you.</span></span><span style="font-family: "Candara","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-28438966055885404102012-04-19T09:17:00.001-04:002012-04-19T09:17:17.342-04:00My Fetus In Fetu is Coming OutSo Mr. Fancy Pants Cancer Doctor says he thinks it's just a lipoma but it needs to come out. Therefor, I'm having surgery next week to take it out. I'm kind of pissed because I'll be knocked out and won't get to see it. I'm sick like that, but hey, whatever. At least it will be out of me and my temptation to gouge it out myself will be gone.<br /><br />In other news, I'm moving next week, the day after my surgery, into a really cute house. It's going to be so much nicer for me and my kids. It's on a cul-de-sac so hopefully I can let my kids play outside without fear of them getting shanked or being sold cocaine. My neighbors now suck and I can't wait to get away from them. 8 days. I gotta get my ass in gear packing the rest of the house.<br /><br />I just finished my last final for the semester last night, and because of that, I will be reading a book I actually want to read instead of my school books. I've decided on Fifty Shades of Grey just to see what all the fuss is about. I'll keep you posted.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-25623747877589157302012-04-12T11:46:00.000-04:002012-04-12T11:46:29.653-04:00My Little FriendFor about the past year, I've had a strange, small lump in the inside of my right elbow. I kind of just thought it was a little cyst or a big pimple, but then it started to grow. Not crazy like I now look like I have a child growing out of my arm, but enough to where it started to bother me and interfere with the function of my right arm a little. I went to three different doctors and no one knew what it was. Finally, an orthopedist sent me for an MRI and guess what? Still no answers. Why, after the hundreds of dollars that I've spent on doctor's appointments, don't these assholes just cut it out? Like seriously. Today I have an appointment to see an ONCOLOGIST. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. A CANCER doctor. WTF. If it's nothing to worry about then why are they sending me to the cancer center at the good hospital 30 miles away instead of just slicing me open and sending it off to a lap. Stupid, if you ask me. And now I have to go for a "consultation" today, which basically means I'm going to spend another stupid co-pay for the doctor to tell me not to worry and that he doesn't know what it is, but he's going to figure it out. MMM HMM. SURE! Heard this one before. I swear, the first scalpel I come across, I'm gonna cut this bad boy out myself. Enough shenannigans and milking my insurance company and my savings account. Take the stupid thing OUT. I bet the removal would be YouTube worthy. If you are weak of stomach, please do not go on YouTube and watch videos of sebaceous cysts. If you are a popper like me, it's like the most awesome thing ever that you want to look away from but can't. Anyhoo, I'm tired of this little bugger in my arm and I want it gone. I'm going to tell Mr. Fancy Pants Cancer Doctor that if he doesn't take it out, I'm going to take it out myself and see what he says. Ha! Stay tuned, folks. Shit just got real.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-49651134718956866042012-04-09T14:18:00.001-04:002012-04-09T14:18:47.126-04:00Make Love, Not War<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eJHfW9nIDbE/TcZyCPloCFI/AAAAAAAAAD4/6taIC7RPspA/s1600/Up_couple_3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eJHfW9nIDbE/TcZyCPloCFI/AAAAAAAAAD4/6taIC7RPspA/s320/Up_couple_3.jpg" width="292" /></a>Lately, I've been witness to a number of my friends' relationships falling apart. Marriages ending, couples breaking up after years together, and then my own recent upset. It seems like everywhere I turn someone else is falling out of love. It makes me wonder what happened to the days when people were more prone to work at getting back to the core of what made them fall in love in the first place and rediscover each other again instead of just calling it quits at the first sign of trouble. Love is not easy. It's hard. It's a whole lot of work, but nothing worth it ever comes without some struggle, otherwise you wouldn't appreciate the good of it as much. At least that's how I see it. When it comes down to it, if two people truly love each other and both of them want to make it work, then it will. It's as simple as that. Life is hard. Your partner should be your best battle buddy to fight through the hard times with, not an additional source of strife. Everyone makes mistakes, but it takes a lot more courage to forgive and move forward than it does to just play the blame game and take off. You learn from your mistakes and you move on. Let the past go. You can't change what happened, but you can take away some knowledge from the experience and make the future better for you both. I've made my lion's share of mistakes and gave up on relationships, too but I really didn't understand a lot of the things about love and life that I do now.<br />
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My Grandparents were married for over 60 years. My Grandmother dropped out of 10th grade to marry my Grandfather in the early 40's and I'm sure they dealt with many hard times, especially since they had 4 children as well. They were in their 80's and still in love. I'm sure they pissed each other off from time to time, but at the end of the day, when it came down to it, they literally couldn't live without each other. My Grandmother died in June of 2002. My Grandfather was heartbroken and even though he had beat cancer numerous times, he deteriorated quickly without my Grandmother and passed away just one year later in July of 2003. I want to know where <i>that</i> kind of love is today. Does it still exist? I'd like to believe it does and that one day, that will happen for me, too.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-24718224049980033992012-04-07T15:50:00.000-04:002012-04-07T15:50:56.270-04:00The Battle Rages On<span style="font-size: x-large;">H</span>eartbreak. It's never easy. No matter how much you try to listen to the "it's for the best"s and "he doesn't deserve you"s, it still hurts for a while. It's the age old battle of head versus heart. Your head knows that you deserve better. Your head knows that it was inevitable that he was going to hurt you again. Your head knew it was only a matter of time before he walked away from his family again. But your heart, your cruel, hopeful and wishful heart, silences your better judgement. Makes you think you're just worrying for nothing. Makes you see all of the good and none of the bad. Makes you think that somehow, he's changed and this time was really going to be different. And no matter how many times your heart has been broken in the past, it doesn't soften the blow that comes when it ends again. It hits you like a Mack truck. Blindsides you, leaving your head spinning and trying to figure out what went wrong. It never gets any easier, no matter how many times you go through it. You start to wonder what's wrong with you. You doubt yourself and your self-worth so horribly that you feel reduced to a sheer sliver of the person you thought you once were. You cry. You scream. You get angry, rinse and repeat.<br />
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Until one day, you wake up and the hurt doesn't hurt so bad anymore. There's no more searing sharp pains throughout your body making you wish you hadn't woken up at all because the pain is just too much to bear. You start to remember why you're worth more than they gave you credit for and stop remembering and missing the times and the things of the past. You can actually smile and mean it again. You no longer walk with your head down and teardrops falling on your shoes. You no longer look at his Facebook, Twitter, or whatever site you so stupidly stalked him on to see if maybe he was regretting it and was hurting as much as you. You stop waiting for the text, the phone call, the IM, the e-mail that says "I'm miserable without you, I'm sorry, please give me another chance." You stop looking for his car when you're driving down the road. Eventually you start to remember that there is life out there still, and that there are many other people who would be honored and blessed to have you by their side. The scars are still on your heart, but the wounds are no longer fresh. You'll never forget what caused them, but they're there to remind you that you shouldn't make the same mistakes again. Your pain was real, but the pieces of your heart slowly start to come back together. Your friends, your family, your children are all there to help you put the pieces back together and are the glue that holds them in place when it just wants to fall apart on it's own. You may lock your precious heart way down deep inside of you again for a while, but it's too wonderful of a treasure to keep to yourself for too long. Someday, someone will come along who is worthy of it and would never dream of mistreating it the way it had been before. They will hold your heart inside theirs and protect it as if breaking it would mean breaking their own. No matter how scarred, battered or tattered it may be, it's still worth something to someone no matter how carelessly others have treated it in the past and thrown it away.<br />
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It takes time to get to that point. It's not easy. I am trying to remind myself that it will get easier, but right now, I'm struggling to believe my own words and take my own advice. My heart is shattered. My life is no longer what I thought it once was, and I'm trying hard to learn to adjust to it. I need time to heal, time to breathe. Time to figure it all out for myself, but no matter how lonely I get sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I have the unconditional love of three beautiful children and that will never change. To them, I am the world. And if someone should someday come along and want to share it with us... then lucky them, but my family is precious and it's going to take a very special person for me to be willing to share them with someone else again.<br />
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Love hurts sometimes, but anything worth having is never gained easily. While I may be taking a time out so my heart can heal, I'm still in this fight. I've never been known to give up easily, and this time is not going to be any different.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-3248852785091759712012-04-05T16:52:00.003-04:002012-04-05T16:52:54.869-04:00GoneI wrote a new song. Trying to put some music to it.<br />
These are the lyrics to it. Tell me what you think.<br />
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<b><i>Gone - Jennifer Knapp</i></b><br />
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<i>No more games</i><br />
<i>I'm done with this fight</i><br />
<i>Coming out of the shadows </i><br />
<i>and into the light</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Can't face the fear</i><br />
<i>That I'm not what you wanted</i><br />
<i>I'll just say goodbye</i><br />
<i>So I'm no longer taunted</i><br />
<i><br />CHORUS</i><br />
<i>Wake me from this nightmare</i><br />
<i>All I want is something to feel </i><br />
<i>I'm drowning inside your heart</i><br />
<i>And this pain is so real</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>I just can't accept it</i><br />
<i>Don't wanna regret it</i><br />
<i>Flying through darkness</i><br />
<i>Is this my own sentence?</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Who are you to deny me?</i><br />
<i>You don't even know who I am</i><br />
<i>So just walk by me</i><br />
<i>I won't let you break me again</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>CHORUS</i><br />
<i>Wake me from this nightmare</i><br />
<i>All I want is something to feel</i><br />
<i>I'm drowning inside your heart</i><br />
<i>And this pain is so real</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>So real. So real. </i><br />
<i>When is it my time to heal?</i><br />
<i>So long, so long.</i><br />
<i>No more tears, my darling I'm </i><br />
<i>Gone.</i><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">These lyrics are property of Jennifer Knapp. Any unauthorized reproduction or copying of them is strictly prohibited.<br />Contact me for further information.</span><br />
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<br /></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-34397235524932750412012-03-21T14:28:00.000-04:002012-03-21T14:28:43.416-04:00My (Football) Life is OVER...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://firedream.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Tim-Tebow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://firedream.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Tim-Tebow.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><span style="font-size: large;">T</span>he announcement was made today that my beloved Tim Tebow, quarterback of the Denver Broncos, and youngest ever person to win the Heisman Trophy in 2007, was traded to the New York Jets. This news may as well have been the same as driving a knife into my heart. I have been a Tebow fan since his days as a Florida Gator, but there is no way I could ever be a Jets fan. I just can't do it. And as much as I want to let my love for him overcome my hate of the Jets, it just isn't meant to be. Not only does this suck, but it also adds an additional level of disdain for my dislike of Peyton Manning for taking his starting quarterback spot in Denver, a city I have been longing to move to for a while now. I think I may as well just forgo football altogether next year, even though I could still just root for my home team, The Cleveland Browns. Another hopeless cause if you ask me. I love my Browns to death, but they never do very well. I hope they prove me wrong, but I've just about lost all hope in the NFL for now. Good Luck, Tebow. You're gonna need it. That horrid city is going to eat you alive.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-7354622369207401812012-03-01T13:36:00.000-05:002012-03-01T13:36:19.146-05:00I Want To Join The Mile High Club...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.rockymountainiie.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Denver-Skyline-Mtns.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="http://www.rockymountainiie.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Denver-Skyline-Mtns.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I realize my blog is way overdue for an update. I've been really busy lately with kids and traveling and school. It's madness and I love it, most of the time. I figured now is as good of a time as any to throw it out there what's been up lately, so enjoy!<br />
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My littlest diva has been struggling with repeated ear infections since she was born. Finally, we got her into the ENT at Nemours Children's Hospital in Jacksonville. I was concerned about her hearing because she sometimes does not respond to me when I talk to her or call to her. I wondered if she could really hear me and was just ignoring me or if the fact that her eardrum has burst twice has lead to some kind of permanent hearing damage. They ran a series of hearing tests on her, including one where we were put into a sound proof room and then she was supposed to respond to the noises by looking in the direction from which they came. The technician started out at a normal hearing level and then worked her way down all the way to a quiet whisper. My daughter EXCELLED at that test, meaning she was just being a brat and choosing to ignore me. Thank God for that, but next time she chooses to ignore me I'll know she is fully capable of hearing what I'm saying. But anyhoo, she saw the doctor and he agreed that she needs to have irrigation tubes placed in each ear for about a year. It's a very minor procedure and she will be able to return to daycare the next day. I'm nervous about my 16 month old having surgery, but I'm sure she will be fine.<br />
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My older diva is doing well in Pre-K. She gets smarter by the day. My friend and I laugh because she is not very humble at all. It's the Italian Princess in her, I swear. If you tell her she is beautiful or that she looks pretty today, she doesn't shy away or just say thank you. No, not my diva. She says, "I know". I mean, really?! She's FOUR. She wants to wear "heel shoes" and dresses every day, but comes home from preschool looking like a ragamuffin that's been rolling in dirt all day. I have to make her wear pants under her dresses because she has no idea how to act like a lady even if she insists on looking like and dressing like royalty every day.<br />
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My son, the oldest of my three, is in third grade and about to make his first communion. He has his outfit ready and everything, but I can't bring myself to try it on him because I will most likely cry. He's almost as tall as my shoulders now. He's a computer geek and spends most of his free time on his laptop playing Roblox or Minecraft. I had him do real chores for the first time the other day and had him vacuum and take out the trash. He vacuumed for maybe ten minutes and broke the brush on the thing. So much for that! He's the best big brother ever though and helps me take care of the girls all the time. He ties his sisters' shoes for them or gets them a drink or plays with them when they want him to. Sometimes he will even read them a book. I can't wait to see how close they will be when they are all older.<br />
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I've been really busy with school, and I'm struggling to keep up. I'm almost done with my A.S. degree in Health Information Technology and should be totally finished by October. It's getting harder as the semesters pass, but I'm managing to maintain my 4.0 GPA. It's no easy feat. I'm in Medical Coding and Billing right now and it's harder than I expected but I'll push through this class just like I have all others. I also recently visited a friend in Colorado and absolutely and completely fell in love with Denver and the mountains while I was there. I want to live out there so bad. I'm going to eventually get there sooner than later if possible. I cried on my way to the airport to go home I loved it there so much.Yes, I did interview for a new job while I was out there, and that spread like wildfire throughout my current company and I was cornered by my boss about it when I got back. Talk about awkward. Sometimes social media can really bite you in the ass. Anyway, I won't know anything about that for a week or so, but I'm hoping the outcome of it is positive. Until then, I'm just trying not to get my hopes up, but any kind of rejection sucks and I know I'll be really disappointed if they didn't just love me.FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-31435139720840607452011-12-23T14:55:00.001-05:002012-03-01T13:44:14.584-05:00Sunny Beaches!<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> I</span> moved to Florida in the middle of my senior year of high school. As if that isn’t fucked up enough for any 17 year old introvert to go through, I had to move or stay with my father whom I had never lived with a day in my life. That was my ONLY option. Clearly, I decided to move to Florida with my mother. That being said, I packed up my life and left all of my family and friends behind in Ohio while I moved to the most miserable, god-awful hot, elderly-filled cesspool of a town called Palm Coast, Florida. At first, the novelty of moving to Florida was really exciting. I was going to get to live an hour away from Disney World! I could go to the beach any day I wanted to! No more shoveling snow! No more de-icing the car before going to work or school! Flip flops year round! Spring Break! It was going to be SO AWESOME! And it was. For about six months. Now I’ve been in Florida for about 14 years, and let me tell you, that novelty has worn out FAST.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">First of all, there is NOTHING TO DO HERE other than go to Wal-Mart or the beach. I haven’t been to the beach more than three times in the past 5 years. The sand is annoying, it takes you for-fucking-ever to get everything together to go, then, when you actually do get there, get all set up with your towels, sunscreen, cooler, beach toys, etc, etc, etc, you can only stand to scorch yourself for about an hour before you are sweating your ass off. You’re about half-blinded by the sunscreen dripping into your eyes from the sweat. That feels AMAZING! You have sand stuck in places you didn’t know existed on your body, and your skin feels like a red-hot brillo pad. The beach here SUCKS. I hate it. I never want to go. It’s nice to look at from some of the beachside restaurants but I absolutely do not want to set foot on it in any way, shape or form. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Don’t even get me started on our Wal-Mart. Ok, too late. I got myself started on it. Wal-Mart is probably going to sue me over this blog post, but oh well. Our Wal-Mart here is enough to make you want to commit suicide right next to the Sam’s Choice underwear hanging on the clearance rack. In fact, many people in this town have actually committed suicide in the parking lot of our Wal-Mart. It’s that fucking bad, people. It doesn’t matter what time of day you go to our Wal-Mart, there are no less than 20 elderly couples lollygagging through the aisles like they have no other place to be. And while I love the elderly dearly, I hate every last one of them when I’m trying to get through the store with my three children in under three hours without popping at least three Xanax and opening up a Coors Light as I shop. Ok, I’ve never actually done that, but I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT! I never thought I was capable of murder until I started shopping at our Wal-Mart. That place makes me so enraged that I could easily see myself strangling someone with a pair of White Stag jogging pants. If these people drive their cars the way they drive their carts through the aisles there, God help us all. I don’t think I’ve ever been in that store where I wasn’t approached by someone to help them with something. I’m all for helping the elderly, but what about me trying to corral three kids in a shopping cart as I struggle to make sure I get the right kind of laundry detergent my coupon is for screams “Ask me for help!” when clearly, I am the one who is in need of help. Mentally and physically. Thank God my kids are somewhat behaved in public. Then again, maybe if I teach them to scream and knock shit over, people wouldn’t bother me as I try to get my damn Steak-Ums and get out of the store before I do kill myself or someone else. And please, for the love of all things, WHY, WHYYYY are there 50 check out lanes if you are only going to have 4 of them open at a time for a store as big as the state of Rhode Island? WHY? I don’t expect all 50 of them to be open, no, but then WHY HAVE THEM? I wait in line at least 30 minutes every time I check out there. And the employees that work there? Oh. My. God. Every last one of them looks like their dog just died or that they just showed up for work after an all-night drinking and drug bender. Please tell me that ours isn’t the only Wal-Mart like this. I know it can’t be. I’m sure it’s just that much worse for me because of the kind of people that live in this town. It’s AWFUL. Sure, I could shop somewhere else, but my only other option is the grocery chains, and if I need to get anything other than food, which 99% of the time I do, it’s a lot cheaper to get it at Wal-Mart than it is at the grocery store. I refuse to pay $2.49 for my can of White Rain hair spray when I know it’s $0.97 at Wal-Mart. Bitch, please. You know you still use that shit, too. Don’t judge me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Did I mention the job market here is horrendous? This county alone has been stuck at a 14% unemployment rate for as long as I can remember. That’s probably because we only have banks, mattress stores, doctor’s offices and pharmacies here. And the one small company that I work for and have for the past eleven years. I want out. Desperately. But there’s nowhere else to work around here unless I’m willing to commute at minimum, 60 miles one way to work for anyone paying decently. This is a retirement community for a reason. And while I may be a fat, lazy bitch most of the time, I am still a Mom of three and it would be nice to be able to bring in a decent income to actually be able to afford to do something with them outside of the house once in a while. Don’t even say “Take them to the beach” or I will cut you, I swear to God. So I’m stuck at this terrible meaningless job for the rest of eternity unless I miraculously get a job offer somewhere else. And I’m trying. REALLY HARD. I hope my boss doesn’t read this. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am so outta here the first chance I get. They don’t call it God’s waiting room for no reason. People come here to die, and I’m ready to start living! The minute I have the opportunity to go, I’m gone. If anyone tries to sell you on moving to this place, tell them they are no longer your friend because any true friend wouldn’t want you to suffer this life. So, in the words of Jerry Maguire, I’m leaving… Who’s coming with me? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-27090195813476314192011-09-22T10:24:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:44:34.065-05:00It's My Life, Don't You Forget<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SVDuwJ7FJ4E/TntE7Kc18ZI/AAAAAAAAAOM/x6R1eybO7FU/s1600/tiredmom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" hca="true" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SVDuwJ7FJ4E/TntE7Kc18ZI/AAAAAAAAAOM/x6R1eybO7FU/s200/tiredmom.jpg" width="169" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I </span>have come to realize in my old age, I’m 31 and I’m allowed to say that now, that I don’t “play the field” as well as I used to. Not that I overly played it in my younger days, but now that I’m older and have three small children, I realize that I don’t have the energy to play Chutes and Ladders most days, never mind the dating field. Not only do I work a full-time job, I am also struggling to balance that with a full-time class load at DeVry University online. Who has time to find a sitter, shower, make myself look human, (AKA fake) and pretend to be a lady on a date when the good Lord knows I’m just waiting for my date to say goodnight so I can take off my bra and put on my granny pajamas and curl up in bed with my book? It’s utterly exhausting. I think my problem is that I try too hard on dates to be what the other person is looking for, instead of being myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have always been a people pleaser and taken on project type men and tried to fix them into what I needed them to be instead of finding someone who was exactly what I needed them to be from the start. In my twenties, I saw this as a challenge and an adventure, even though that always ended up getting tiring when my superb efforts to be everything to someone only landed me my latest broken heart. It’s only after a decade of mistakes and failed attempts at the “dream” relationship that I finally realized that love shouldn’t be so hard, and if it is, it probably isn’t real love to begin with. Bad relationships are my worst addiction. In my opinion, being involved with bad men is a worse drug than anything you can get on the street. Unfortunately, there isn’t a rehab center for women who fall hopelessly in love with loser after loser hoping to turn them into the prince charming they so desperately want them to be. So I struggled, I spent thousands of dollars, I took physical and emotional abuse, I put my children in undesirable situations and sacrificed my own wants and needs to meet the ones of my undeserving partner, If you can even call them a partner. It was more like raising another child, time and time again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">What finally broke the cycle for me? I don’t know if I even have. I have no idea what the hell I am doing most days. I don’t have a five year plan. I don’t have a savings account. I don’t know if I’m going to make it to work on time every day, never mind graduate college. In my life, I have to take things one day at a time. I’ve had to learn to take a deep breath every once in a while and just focus on what’s happening now instead of obsessing over what should or could be tomorrow. I’ve had to learn to say no to them and yes to me. And for the first time in about 15 years, I feel good about myself. I’m in a better place emotionally than I have been in a long time. It’s empowering to know that I finally have control over my life. What happens today is my decision and no one else’s. If I mess up, it’s on me. If I succeed, that’s also on me. I’m no longer living life in a constant reactive state. I’m no longer cleaning up messes I didn’t make, aside from the ones my children make every day. It is MY life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am living for myself and my children for the first time in a long time and it feels so good. If someone should happen to come along who can accept me and my children for who we are, ratty holey pajamas and all, then good for them. I refuse to put on a face full of makeup for someone else ever again. I am not a clown. It is not my job to make them laugh, although I probably will. I’ll get dressed up to make myself feel good. I’ll put on my makeup because is pretty and fun to wear, but as Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”. Challenge accepted.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-17496465954371782852011-06-12T23:13:00.002-04:002012-03-01T13:49:38.648-05:00Do Nothing...<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's not about winning or losing. We all lost something in this. But I didn't lose sight of what's important to me and my children, and for that I am proud of myself. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do nothing. To just walk away when your heart is screaming at you because it wants the fairytale, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To not get sucked into the what it could be and realize what it will never be. I am sad for my children, especially my baby. I am sad for me, but most of all, I am sad for him and will just continue to pray for him, since he refuses to do it for himself. I had my time to mourn and to weep, now it's time for me to get back on my feet and move forward with my life. One day at a time.</span>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-13733100253368081762011-05-27T20:55:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:49:26.377-05:00Broken Leash<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://enjoibeing.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/1281_aa9e.jpeg?w=500&h=325" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="208" src="http://enjoibeing.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/1281_aa9e.jpeg?w=500&h=325" width="320" /></span></a></div><br />
<div><span style="font-family: inherit;">While wasting my Friday night surfing Facebook, I came across a picture that depicts me to a "T" and it got me thinking and asking myself this very question... WHY do I constantly throw my heart into everything I do knowing full well that I'm probably just going to get hurt again? My brain SCREAMS it at me and my heart is as deaf as can be. My brain had my heart on a leash and I fight it and struggle to reason with it until my brain concedes and SNAP! goes the leash and I am off running full force, head on into another disaster. Why do I do that? Why do I fight logic and reason constantly for the opportunity of love? I know better. I've always known better. I am a smart woman. Why do I constantly let myself get into these awful relationships? I haven't figured out the answer, but my leash is getting stronger. If only I could learn to sit still and put more thought and less heart into things instead of always being all heart. Is that any better of a way to live? I don't know... but I'm about to find out. </span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-51219361750725124022011-05-22T11:14:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:49:47.932-05:00Open The Door<span style="font-family: inherit;">Life can be hard. There are times, many times, when I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Sometimes I fantasize about packing up my car, filling up the tank, and moving to wherever the car runs out of gas just to get a fresh start. However, my life is here, my children's life is here, and our support systems are here. Just because I have to share this town with my past, doesn't mean my future can't be here too. It's about learning to look forward, learning to close the door on things that need to be left behind, and heading through that open door in front of you with open arms, an open mind, and a faithful heart that God has opened it for you for a reason. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for my children and I, but I know that no matter how hard things may get, God has a purpose for us and we will be okay so long as we trust in Him and pray for His guidance. </span>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-74226982271821890362011-05-16T13:17:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:50:43.618-05:00Little Hands, Big Hearts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;">It is well known that I love being a Mom. It is the best and most proud accomplishment of my life. A lot of the time, being a Mom is a thankless job, but then there are those little moments where you realize exactly why you go through all you do as a Mother. <br />
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For example, this weekend was my daughter Ava's 4th birthday party. I set her cake in front of her and kneeled down to her side at the table, lit her candles, and we all sang <em>Happy Birthday</em> to her as loud as we could. She blew out her candles and then got up, and threw her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and kiss of her life. It melted my heart. <br />
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My son Aidan and I have always been very close. He's a very emotional young man. He cries when the space shuttle launches out of happiness. That's just the kind of kid he is. Now, he's almost 8 years old and it isn't "cool" to hug or kiss your Mom in front of your friends at school. Instead, each day as I'm walking him to extended day, he holds my hand and we squeeze each other's hand back and forth repeatedly until he gets to just outside the door. Then he kisses me on the cheek and runs inside to play with his friends and yells, "Bye, Mom!" to me as he's on his way in. I don't think he will ever know how much those little hand squeezes mean to me every day. It's like our own little secret hand hugs. I plan on doing that to him even as I'm walking with him at his college graduation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My sweet baby Alivia's face lights up the instant she sees me looking down on her in her crib each morning. She smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen, and when I pick her up, she grabs my face with both hands and gives me huge, slobbery wet open-mouthed kisses all over my face. I love the way she just looks at me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to her. The love we share for each other is quite obvious when we look at one another. She's the best cuddle bug of them all. I live for her smile and I love those disgustingly wet, slobbery kisses. <br />
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It's the little stolen moments with them like this that mean so much. I miss them terribly while I'm at work every day and I can't wait until 5:00 when I get to pick them up and love on them again, even if they start driving me crazy five minutes later. That's their job. And it's mine to love them, and Oh, how I do. </span>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-2693445615993804762011-05-08T20:42:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:50:56.778-05:00Here Goes Nothing!<div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> In my last relationship, I tried doing "The Love Dare", a Christian-based book designed to strengthen couples' relationships with each other and bring them closer to God as a couple in the process. Well, that failed miserable after only a few days. I even went on to do it alone, and still, that relationship failed horribly along with it. We had been going to counseling with a great man named David, but even after a few sessions with him, the dedication wasn't there on his part and after a horrible argument, the relationship was over. I continue seeing David on my own, and have come to realize that I am what is called co-dependent. I'm taking a lot of steps on my own now to break that vicious cycle. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I've made a vow to myself to remain single for at least a year, and I fully plan on sticking to that. While in my heart, I know the relationship didn't fail due to anything I did wrong, I know that many things that I did were the wrong thing to do for myself and for my children. It's a hard fact to face that I was so overly obsessed with trying to fix his problems that I had nearly no time at all for myself or more importantly, for my children. It's hard to accept that no matter how much you love someone, it is not your job to fix their mistakes, especially when they have no intention of fixing anything themselves, mainly because they fail to see that anything they are or aren't doing is wrong. For me, it felt like I loved him so deeply that I would do anything to help him, not realizing that no matter how much I truly did love him, my love and my help would never give me the love or the relationship I deserved in return. It's a total one-way street to disaster, and only now do I realize that it's not love at all if you are the one putting forth all of the effort. Love is something that takes a lot of effort on both parts. Someone who loves you wouldn't lie to you. They wouldn't hurt you or your children, either outwardly or passive aggressively. Someone who loves you wouldn't do selfish things or say hurtful things to you or your children, ever. Love doesn't exist when they tear you down by blaming you for their faults and truly make you believe they are they way they are because of something you did or didn't do. That's not love. That is abuse. And it took me far too long to realize the kind of abuse my children and I suffered for almost two years. I felt so lost and torn between a hundred different emotions when that relationship ended. But nearly a month out of it, I'm finally beginning to rebuild myself and my family back up. The sadness is gone, and I no longer feel as if I just didn't try hard enough. The fact of the matter is, I tried too hard. Much harder than I should have had to. I know now that I deserve so much better, and so do my children.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">One day, FAR down the road, maybe we will find someone who will love us unconditionally and would never dream of treating us the way he did. Maybe I won't find someone, and maybe I'll actually like being on my own. I'm starting to like it more and more every day. While some things are more difficult without an extra person around to help, the relief that I feel of not having to do so many other things far outweighs the financial and physical demands that have been placed on me now. I'm learning a lot about myself for once. I've always been so focused on these disastrous men in my life that I am just now realizing who I am for a change. I'm focusing on what I want instead of what they need. What do I need? What is going to help me better myself?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQrY4d6gHvIU7UP4tIc6oKpxN9h56OkisqnjhAFA5lE6-tswJ4MWg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQrY4d6gHvIU7UP4tIc6oKpxN9h56OkisqnjhAFA5lE6-tswJ4MWg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> It's almost strange to look at myself in the mirror. I feel like I have forgotten who I am. I am slowly rediscovering myself, one day at a time. It's like I'm waking up from a bad dream or coming out of a fog. I'm seeing clearly now for the first time in a long time, and reality is scary, but a good scary. Like the feeling you get just before you come down the first hill of a roller coaster. You have no idea what's coming, but you know it's gonna be a good time. Well, I'm holding on tight. My roller coaster just pulled out of the station and I'm starting up that first hill. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Here goes nothing...</span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0Palm Coast, FL 32164, USA29.5100354 -81.21883550000001229.4356644 -81.278989500000009 29.5844064 -81.158681500000014tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-78431499466874508182011-05-07T21:03:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:51:16.430-05:00My Special Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/222487_10150172619808367_727558366_7136325_6715309_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="275" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/222487_10150172619808367_727558366_7136325_6715309_n.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's Mother's Day. It's my special day. Not because my kids gave me the cutest handmade cards ever, even the baby, not because I got flowers, or taken out to dinner. Today is my special day because I have the honor and the privilege to be the Mom of three amazing young people. Even on days when I'm ready to get into my car and drive off into the sunset because they are driving me crazy, I still love them so fiercely that I don't know what I would do without them. My kids truly are my life. They have shaped me into the person I am and continue to inspire me to become the person I want to be. I never knew unconditional love until I became a mother. I always had the idea in my head that a real family consisted of a Mother, Father and the children. It wasn't until recently that I came to realize that just because we don't have a Father around in our family, it doesn't make us any less of a family. In fact, our family is closer and stronger now than we have ever been. While we may not fit the normal cookie-cutter, picture perfect idea of what a family should be, I wouldn't change my family for anything in the world. We may each have different last names, but we share one home and share a great love for each other that no namesake can overrule. We are the Knapp, Still, Fitzgibbons and Carey family.... and we're going to make it in this world and then some. I don't just love being a Mom... I love being THEIR Mom. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Happy Mother's Day!</span><br />
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</div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-15385361358739327862011-04-28T22:44:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:51:44.667-05:00Love Yourself First<div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. It's not just some cliche saying, it's true, but it's obviously true. Everything in life has a reason, a purpose... whether we understand what it is or not. I'm finally beginning to understand the reason why so many of my relationships have failed. It's called co-dependency and I've had it for a long time, I just never knew it. I always feel like it's my job to "fix" someone when they start to show their true colors after the honeymoon phase of the relationship wears off and reality sets in. With my last relationship, I was so incredibly determined to make it work that I was totally blind to the fact that my son was being abused right under my nose and I didn't see it. I was so incredibly focused on fixing the problems with that relationship that I didn't realize that a much bigger, much worse thing was happening to one of my children. Never again will I allow that to happen. I was so consumed by helping someone that didn't want to help themselves that I didn't realize that my son was the one who really needed my focus and my attention and my help. I will probably never forgive myself for not seeing it earlier on. But after I prayed and prayed for God to give me the answer, he finally helped me to wake up and see that relationship for what it really was and it ended very poorly. I'm still recovering from the shock of it all, but I'm taking it one day at a time. My grieving is not over the loss of the relationship. I actually feel quite relieved and more calm now that it's over. No more worrying or checking up to make sure he's not being dishonest anymore. That in itself is invaluable and has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. My grieving is for my children. I'm sad that my son had to endure what he did because of my inability to devote more attention to him. I'm sad that my oldest daughter has no idea why he can't live with us anymore and has had to watch another Dad leave her. I'm sad that my youngest daughter, his own flesh and blood, will also have to grow up with a father who will undoubtedly disappoint her time and time again. And the hardest thing for a mother to do is watch her children suffer and not be able to do anything about it. So I vow to do everything in my power to make sure that they suffer as little as possible from yet another bad relationship decision on my part. Because of this, I've decided to stop dating for at least a year, maybe longer, until I can figure out what I want for myself and how to respect myself enough to not let these kind of men into my life anymore who are just going to use and abuse me for all I'm worth. I have a sincere problem seeing my own self-worth, but I'm working on that one day at a time. I know I cannot fully appreciate and love another person until I can learn to love myself first. And I pretty much hate myself most days, so this is gonna take a lot of work. But I am ready. I'm going to leave that past where it is and where it will stay. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance and I'm not gonna waste it this time. </span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-85607650199603982862011-04-21T13:59:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:52:12.790-05:00Sweet Baby Alivia Grace ♥<span style="font-family: inherit;">I call her my Sunshine Girl. She's almost too good to be true. She's so happy all of the time, always smiling. She very rarely ever cries. She's the best baby a Mom could ever ask for. I love all of my kids with all of my heart, but today, my sweet Sunshine Girl turns six months old and I'm really missing her, with me being at work today. It's already been half a year. I can't believe how quickly the time is going by. I wish she could stay small enough to cuddle in my arms forever but she seems to be growing up even faster just because she is my last baby. </span><br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My Sweet Baby Alivia Grace... I waited for you for what seemed like an eternity at the end of my pregnancy, and now you're already six months old. Where does the time go? I can't wait to see what kind of little lady you're going to grow up to be, but please take your time! <br />
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Thank you for making me smile everyday and for picking me to be your Mom.<br />
Happy Half-Birthday!<br />
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I love you so much!<br />
xoxoxoxoxox<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uWRZymn2CUY/TbBvXoUHC-I/AAAAAAAAAJ4/Zpl1ziDCgeI/s1600/LivEarrings.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="320" i8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uWRZymn2CUY/TbBvXoUHC-I/AAAAAAAAAJ4/Zpl1ziDCgeI/s320/LivEarrings.JPG" width="269" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Alivia Grace - 6 Months Old</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-75039068311190844432011-04-19T22:49:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:52:30.521-05:00When The Truth Literally Hurts<div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I've been reading this book lately called <i>Women Who Love Too Much</i> by Robin Norwood. Wow. I never thought reading a book could be so hard. At the recommendation of my counselor, yes, I'm in therapy... he suggested I read this book. I thought to myself, there's no way this book is going to apply to me. I know exactly what I'm doing. I WAS SO INCREDIBLY WRONG! This book was MADE for me. It was WRITTEN about me. Not about me exactly, but I am identifying with every woman in this book in one way or another. And it's not pretty. I feel as if I have been blinded by so much my whole life and the more I read this book, the more I can see exactly where I am going wrong. It's no secret I haven't been exactly the luckiest in love. I seem to be a dirtbag magnet. Or am I? Or is it that I just allow these men into my life because I have felt like it's been my mission from God to help these men become who they say they want to be? Well, after two failed marriages and several failed relationships, my most recent relationship was by far the most devastating to me when it ended and I started to realize that I have to have some kind of reason or explanation as to why this keeps happening to me. I never in a million years thought I would be one of those women who allowed herself to be physically assaulted by her significant other until it happened to me last weekend. The bruise on my face and the pain from that pales in comparison to the bruise on my heart and on my ego that I failed yet again. That's painful to admit. Now I'm a single Mom with three children all by different fathers, another court case underway, and more drama than I care to admit. My life has become exactly what I never wanted it to be. However, Monday was a new, fresh start for me. No more losers. No more abusers, liars, cheaters, atheists... I am no longer going to compromise my faith, my wants or my needs for someone undeserving. I have so much potential for greatness and I refuse to let anymore of these roadblock relationships get in the way. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I know I am a great mother. I know I am a good friend, a good daughter, a good listener. I help others when I can, even at my own sacrifice and never expect anything in return. And I will NEVER change that about myself. I am going to continue to be the good person that I know I am regardless of what these horrible men in my life have said about me and put me through. I am stronger, smarter and more resilient than I give myself credit for and I need to stop putting myself down. I'm done with that mess. And I'm done being a woman who loves too much, but I will always be a woman who loves with all her heart. It's knowing the difference between the two that has been my biggest challenge. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I recommend this book to all women struggling with failed relationships. I warn you, it's a hard book to read, but will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=women+who+love+too+much&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=2399309931539956558&sa=X&ei=9UiuTZqSCMK60QGQvs22Cw&ved=0CC0Q8wIwAg#">Women Who Love Too Much</a> - Click Here to preview the book on Amazon</span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-35177112432208952802011-04-10T23:33:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:52:42.428-05:00My Little Weekly Escape: Warm Flow Yoga<div><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's no secret that being a mom of three children under 8 is stressful. Aidan does Cub Scouts and has CCD class, not to mention homework and other school related activities. Ava is in dance class and has medical issues a lot of the time. Alivia is only five months old, doesn't sleep through the night a lot of the time and is a lot of work, simply because of her age. I'm also employed full time, so needless to say, I am constantly on the go. My life is semi-chaotic at times and stress levels get to an awfully high level some days. I love my life, I love my kids and I love my family, but every once in a while, it's nice to be able to do something just for me. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">A few months ago, I saw a post where my friend Kristina had tried a warm yoga class and liked it a lot. Something told me that it might be something I could try and might possibly like, too. So one Saturday morning, I went to Hot House Yoga with her in Ormond Beach and tried hot yoga for the first time. I had not exercised in probably 5 years when I went to that class. I struggled through it and was amazed at what the people around me were able to do. I thought, there is NO WAY I will ever be able to do that, through several of the poses. But I tried. And the next two days, I could hardly move I was so sore. But it was a good feeling. I felt so relaxed and re-focused after that class. I knew had to go back for more. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">A few weeks later, I joined the gym across the street from my work. I wanted to try a few of the cardio classes they offered and was wonderfully surprised when I saw the yoga studio they had inside. My gym has a fantastic kids' room as part of their membership and I am able to drop all three of my kids off there and work out whenever they are open. I started doing just that on Saturday mornings and tried their yoga class. I was so happy that I was able to find a yoga class so close to home, as Hot House is quite a drive for me. Now, three months later, not a Saturday goes by that I don't literally yearn to go to yoga class. They offer it throughout the week as well and I try to get to as many classes as I possibly can. I've already made great progress in my yoga practice and every time I go, I am able to do a little bit more than I was the last time. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">After having three children, I struggled with back pain almost daily. My sciatic nerve pain on my right side was so unbearable at times, I would have to lay in bed on a heating pad all day and pop ibuprofen like candy just to be able to move. I would try to stretch out the nerve and the muscles on my own, but it never seemed to last very long before I was all tense and in pain again. Now, three months after starting yoga, my back pain is almost non-existent. I still get tense in my back and have to stretch it out and take some Advil to get it to release, but I fully believe that my yoga practice has helped stretch those muscles to alleviate the pain I was experiencing. The more yoga I do, the less pain I experience in my sciatic. One time in class, I was doing a certain stretch and heard a very loud popping sound coming from my lower back. It startled me, but at the same time, it felt so good. Whatever it was that "popped" that day has given me so much pain relief in my sciatic.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Another benefit I've experienced from yoga is the stress relief. I leave that class more calm and collected than I was just 90 minutes before. All of the stress and worry and anxiety I felt over the week before just seems to melt away and I leave that class feeling ready to take on another week. I suffer from extreme panic attack disorder. I have for most of my adult life. Yoga has also helped me in that I have had a significant reduction in the amount of panic attacks I have during the week. There was a point in my life where I would have up to four major panic attacks in one day. No amount of medication I would take would make them stop. And if you've ever experienced a panic attack, you know that they leave you feeling as if you've run a marathon. They physically exhaust me. Since starting yoga, I sometimes don't have one at all, or will have only a mild one here and there. I have not experienced one debilitating panic attack since I started going to yoga. That in itself is invaluable to me.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Now, let's talk about the other great thing that has happened because of yoga... my strength and flexibility have been dramatically improved, that's a given. But I've also lost about 10lbs. since I started. I know I would lose more weight if I would follow a healthier diet, too and I'm working on that part.Sort of. I have always been and will always be a self-proclaimed foodie. I love to eat and I have the biggest sweet tooth so that will be my ultimate challenge is learning how to change the way I eat. I may never change the way I eat, but I feel that at least I'm exercising now, so it's better than eating like I was and not doing any exercise at all. I'll get there... but I've also quit smoking for over 2 months now. One crutch at a time. First the cigarettes, then the junk food. I'll get there. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">Here are some of the poses I am able to do in yoga now... at 225 lbs and 5'9" tall, I can do these poses. Who would have thought? Not me! But I can, and I am proud of how far I have come in my practice already. One day I'll be able to do some more challenging poses, I know I'll get there. But, again, here is just a small sample of what I have been able to accomplish so far. There are others I have been able to do as well, but I am most proud of plow pose at this point. I never thought I could do it and surprised myself when I did for the first time a few weeks ago. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Tree Pose</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Triangle</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSog8OjxmyAYCwRBSo_29ZFgP7WF6hFHmWsEc_PuxFMrI4sAiqe" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSog8OjxmyAYCwRBSo_29ZFgP7WF6hFHmWsEc_PuxFMrI4sAiqe" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Eagle</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.yogaloungehudson.com/uploads/136_Plow-Pose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="96" src="http://www.yogaloungehudson.com/uploads/136_Plow-Pose.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Plow</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Shoulder Stand</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
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</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;">So there you have it. My little weekly escape. Yoga. And I plan on escaping to it as often as I possibly can!</span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7090840818336944109.post-34900242423389268132011-04-02T22:01:00.001-04:002012-03-01T13:52:55.952-05:00Uplifted<div><span style="font-family: inherit;">I just want to take a minute to write about how thankful I am to have so many wonderful friends in my life who always lift me up when I am in a funk. I feel very grateful to have met so many great people over the years who I've become as close as family with. Tonight, the kids and I went to a barbecue at the Buccini's house. The kids played hard together and had a blast. We ate great food, had a few drinks, and laughed the night away. It was just what I needed to lift my spirits up since I have been a little down lately. I need to remember to keep surrounding myself with these kind of positive people in my life and I know good things will continue to happen for me. I'm making a decision for myself to snap out of this funk and keep going strong. I'm not just going to drag my feet and go through the motions anymore. I have to put my whole heart into living my life each and every day because I never know when it might be my last one. Life is too short to spend it worrying about something you will never be able to change. You have to move forward, learn from the past, and work hard today for a better tomorrow. No more looking back and missing what could have been or should have been. Instead, I'm going to keep looking forward at what WILL be because I will make it that way. And it will be a piece of cake since I am surrounded by so many supportive friends and family members who are always there to help me along the way. Thanks to all of you for all you do for me and my family. I appreciate your love and support more than you know. </span></div>FlutterbyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06224555001990392038noreply@blogger.com0