Thursday, April 19, 2012

My Fetus In Fetu is Coming Out

So Mr. Fancy Pants Cancer Doctor says he thinks it's just a lipoma but it needs to come out. Therefor, I'm having surgery next week to take it out. I'm kind of pissed because I'll be knocked out and won't get to see it. I'm sick like that, but hey, whatever. At least it will be out of me and my temptation to gouge it out myself will be gone.

In other news, I'm moving next week, the day after my surgery, into a really cute house. It's going to be so much nicer for me and my kids. It's on a cul-de-sac so hopefully I can let my kids play outside without fear of them getting shanked or being sold cocaine. My neighbors now suck and I can't wait to get away from them. 8 days. I gotta get my ass in gear packing the rest of the house.

I just finished my last final for the semester last night, and because of that, I will be reading a book I actually want to read instead of my school books. I've decided on Fifty Shades of Grey just to see what all the fuss is about. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Little Friend

For about the past year, I've had a strange, small lump in the inside of my right elbow. I kind of just thought it was a little cyst or a big pimple, but then it started to grow. Not crazy like I now look like I have a child growing out of my arm, but enough to where it started to bother me and interfere with the function of my right arm a little. I went to three different doctors and no one knew what it was. Finally, an orthopedist sent me for an MRI and guess what? Still no answers. Why, after the hundreds of dollars that I've spent on doctor's appointments, don't these assholes just cut it out? Like seriously. Today I have an appointment to see an ONCOLOGIST. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. A CANCER doctor. WTF. If it's nothing to worry about then why are they sending me to the cancer center at the good hospital 30 miles away instead of just slicing me open and sending it off to a lap. Stupid, if you ask me. And now I have to go for a "consultation" today, which basically means I'm going to spend another stupid co-pay for the doctor to tell me not to worry and that he doesn't know what it is, but he's going to figure it out. MMM HMM. SURE! Heard this one before. I swear, the first scalpel I come across, I'm gonna cut this bad boy out myself. Enough shenannigans and milking my insurance company and my savings account. Take the stupid thing OUT. I bet the removal would be YouTube worthy. If you are weak of stomach, please do not go on YouTube and watch videos of  sebaceous cysts. If you are a popper like me, it's like the most awesome thing ever that you want to look away from but can't. Anyhoo, I'm tired of this little bugger in my arm and I want it gone. I'm going to tell Mr. Fancy Pants Cancer Doctor that if he doesn't take it out, I'm going to take it out myself and see what he says. Ha! Stay tuned, folks. Shit just got real.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Make Love, Not War

Lately, I've been witness to a number of my friends' relationships falling apart. Marriages ending, couples breaking up after years together, and then my own recent upset. It seems like everywhere I turn someone else is falling out of love. It makes me wonder what happened to the days when people were more prone to work at getting back to the core of what made them fall in love in the first place and rediscover each other again instead of just calling it quits at the first sign of trouble. Love is not easy. It's hard. It's a whole lot of work, but nothing worth it ever comes without some struggle, otherwise you wouldn't appreciate the good of it as much. At least that's how I see it. When it comes down to it, if two people truly love each other and both of them want to make it work, then it will. It's as simple as that. Life is hard. Your partner should be your best battle buddy to fight through the hard times with, not an additional source of strife. Everyone makes mistakes, but it takes a lot more courage to forgive and move forward than it does to just play the blame game and take off. You learn from your mistakes and you move on. Let the past go. You can't change what happened, but you can take away some knowledge from the experience and make the future better for you both. I've made my lion's share of mistakes and gave up on relationships, too but I really didn't understand a lot of the things about love and life that I do now.

My Grandparents were married for over 60 years. My Grandmother dropped out of 10th grade to marry my Grandfather in the early 40's and I'm sure they dealt with many hard times, especially since they had 4 children as well. They  were in their 80's and still in love. I'm sure they pissed each other off from time to time, but at the end of the day, when it came down to it, they literally couldn't live without each other. My Grandmother died in June of 2002. My Grandfather was heartbroken and even though he had beat cancer numerous times, he deteriorated quickly without my Grandmother and passed away just one year later in July of 2003. I want to know where that kind of love is today. Does it still exist? I'd like to believe it does and that one day, that will happen for me, too.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Battle Rages On

Heartbreak. It's never easy. No matter how much you try to listen to the "it's for the best"s and "he doesn't deserve you"s, it still hurts for a while. It's the age old battle of head versus heart. Your head knows that you deserve better. Your head knows that it was inevitable that he was going to hurt you again. Your head knew it was only a matter of time before he walked away from his family again. But your heart, your cruel, hopeful and wishful heart, silences your better judgement. Makes you think you're just worrying for nothing. Makes you see all of the good and none of the bad. Makes you think that somehow, he's changed and this time was really going to be different. And no matter how many times your heart has been broken in the past, it doesn't soften the blow that comes when it ends again. It hits you like a Mack truck. Blindsides you, leaving your head spinning and trying to figure out what went wrong. It never gets any easier, no matter how many times you go through it. You start to wonder what's wrong with you. You doubt yourself and your self-worth so horribly that you feel reduced to a sheer sliver of the person you thought you once were. You cry. You scream. You get angry, rinse and repeat.

Until one day, you wake up and the hurt doesn't hurt so bad anymore. There's no more searing sharp pains throughout your body making you wish you hadn't woken up at all because the pain is just too much to bear. You start to remember why you're worth more than they gave you credit for and stop remembering and missing the times and the things of the past. You can actually smile and mean it again. You no longer walk with your head down and teardrops falling on your shoes. You no longer look at his Facebook, Twitter, or whatever site you so stupidly stalked him on to see if maybe he was regretting it and was hurting as much as you. You stop waiting for the text, the phone call, the IM, the e-mail that says "I'm miserable without you, I'm sorry, please give me another chance." You stop looking for his car when you're driving down the road. Eventually you start to remember that there is life out there still, and that there are many other people who would be honored and blessed to have you by their side. The scars are still on your heart, but the wounds are no longer fresh. You'll never forget what caused them, but they're there to remind you that you shouldn't make the same mistakes again. Your pain was real, but the pieces of your heart slowly start to come back together. Your friends, your family, your children are all there to help you put the pieces back together and are the glue that holds them in place when it just wants to fall apart on it's own. You may lock your precious heart way down deep inside of you again for a while, but it's too wonderful of a treasure to keep to yourself for too long. Someday, someone will come along who is worthy of it and would never dream of mistreating it the way it had been before. They will hold your heart inside theirs and protect it as if breaking it would mean breaking their own. No matter how scarred, battered or tattered it may be, it's still worth something to someone no matter how carelessly others have treated it in the past and thrown it away.

It takes time to get to that point. It's not easy. I am trying to remind myself that it will get easier, but right now, I'm struggling to believe my own words and take my own advice. My heart is shattered. My life is no longer what I thought it once was, and I'm trying hard to learn to adjust to it. I need time to heal, time to breathe. Time to figure it all out for myself, but no matter how lonely I get sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I have the unconditional love of three beautiful children and that will never change. To them, I am the world. And if someone should someday come along and want to share it with us... then lucky them, but my family is precious and it's going to take a very special person for me to be willing to share them with someone else again.

Love hurts sometimes, but anything worth having is never gained easily. While I may be taking a time out so my heart can heal, I'm still in this fight. I've never been known to give up easily, and this time is not going to be any different.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


I wrote a new song. Trying to put some music to it.
These are the lyrics to it. Tell me what you think.

Gone - Jennifer Knapp

No more games
I'm done with this fight
Coming out of the shadows 
and into the light

Can't face the fear
That I'm not what you wanted
I'll just say goodbye
So I'm no longer taunted


Wake me from this nightmare
All I want is something to feel 
I'm drowning inside your heart
And this pain is so real

I just can't accept it
Don't wanna regret it
Flying through darkness
Is this my own sentence?

Who are you to deny me?
You don't even know who I am
So just walk by me
I won't let you break me again

Wake me from this nightmare
All I want is something to feel
I'm drowning inside your heart
And this pain is so real

So real. So real. 
When is it my time to heal?
So long, so long.
No more tears, my darling I'm 
These lyrics are property of Jennifer Knapp. Any unauthorized reproduction or copying of them is strictly prohibited.
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